Sunday, May 17, 2009 | Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
SP Flights of fantasy

Bringing out your partner’s innermost desires and reaching out to someone you met in a bar

By Blane Bachelor

My wife and I have been happily married for six years. We’ve always had a stable sex life, even after we got married (which, as I understand from some of my other married buddies, is a very good thing and I’m quite thankful for it). Lately, I’ve had more sex fantasies than usual. Most are tepid, but others are a little kinkier. I don’t necessarily want to act all of them out, but I would like to open the table for discussion about them. I think it would add a new edge of excitement to our lovemaking. But she says she really doesn’t have any fantasies of her own! I feel weird telling her about mine without her reciprocating. I’ve begged her to open up, but she just doesn’t seem to have an interest. Can I fix this?—Fantasied and Frustrated

Unless your wife adores Julie Andrews musicals and Laura Ashley quilts, for chrissakes don’t ever use the word “lovemaking” in this discussion. Blech. If that’s the way you’ve tried to approach it in the past—“Honey, can we talk about our lovemaking?”—I don’t blame her for tuning out. (Hell, I wouldn’t blame her for vomiting.) Banish the term, and I’ll bet you start seeing improvement right away.

First, think about your timing and delivery. Are you blathering on about what you’d like to do to her that night while she’s running around in the morning like a madwoman getting ready for work? Or are you setting the mood for a back-and-forth conversation over a candlelit dinner or a tender foot massage?

In other words, it’s time to stop “begging” and start seducing. Don’t underestimate the power of romancing your wife like you (hopefully) used to in the honeymoon stage. You just might find that rediscovering that old spark will help her open up to new intimacies.

Next, make like Nike and just do it—unless goats or ball-gags are involved (which you’d damn well better get consent on first). There’s nothing hotter than a man who takes the reins in the sack, so rev up the foreplay and give her a hot, whispered play-by-play on what you’re about to do—or what you’d like her to—and I bet you can start checking off your list tonight. 

Finally, not to get too psychobabbly, but remember that this is all about building trust. Once your wife sees that she’s not going to be judged for opening up—or for not even having fantasies (which is entirely possible)—she just might be ready for that Naughty Nurse costume sooner than you think.

I have been separated from my wife of 13 years for a few months, and I met this cute girl at a tiki bar here in Florida. She’s a writer, and I would love to spend some time discussing writing with her because I’m an aspiring writer myself. She is very athletic and probably is capable of tremendous feats of physical prowess which I am currently incapable of even imagining without getting winded. I also smoke cigarettes (yuk!).

Anyway, I bring this up because she is involved in a long-term relationship that is going well, and I'm a little concerned about contacting her for career advice considering she has a significant other who may or may not be the jealous type. I want her to know that I am not a threat, because after what I've been through, I am a committed bachelor for the long term—maybe forever. She is also a very busy person, and I don't want to impose on her time with my neophyte questions. My question, I guess, is should I just call her up? Or should I approach her with more restraint, given that she is a pseudo-celebrity and I am just a common, middle-aged divorcee with writing ambitions? Please help!—Indiana Jones

It doesn’t take a CSI investigator to deduce that you’d like to get in touch with this gal for a lot more than career advice. But, for the greater good, let’s make this a brief, dual public-service announcement that can apply to all 1) aspiring [insert career]s; and 2) back-on-the-scene daters who happen to be reading, shall we?

Aspiring [insert career]s: The more successful someone is—or the more difficult the field you’re looking to break into—the harder it will be for you to nail them down for career advice. But do your homework first—like Googling this writer so you can drop something like “loved your review of the new Indiana Jones movie” in an e-mail asking her for a cup of coffee or a brief phone call. Respect whatever time the person can offer, and make sure you follow up to express your gratitude.

Back-on-the-scene daters: If you’re recently on the market after a long relationship (like 13 years), there will be plenty of people who are skittish about entering the rebound zone with you. Don’t hold this against them, but for God’s sake, don’t fall all over yourself trying to prove you’re over your ex. SP
Relationship columnist Blane Bachelor’s next Ask a Bachelor will appear in this space May 24. Submit your questions anonymously at www.askabachelor.com.