Saturday, October 27, 2007 | Quick
A gay harvest

Sugar and spice makes everything nice

Each morning, I religiously start my day by turning on the news. I relinquished this tradition for more than year when I had an epiphany that the news is completely depressing and often makes me loose faith in humanity, but like fine wine and poor indie-rockers with a lot of hair, I find myself slightly addicted to being informed.

As I groomed myself for the day and in between listening to updates on about how walls of flames were tragically destroying homes across Southern California and pondering how many club shootings can happen in Atlanta in a day, I heard CNN’s Robin Meade mutter something about Albus Dumbledore being gay. Dropping my mascara faster the flick of Harry Potter’s wand, I sat my half-naked booty in front of the television and watched with glee (and maybe clapped a little) as I learned J.K. Rowling outed Dumbledore while speaking at Carnegie Hall in her first U.S. tour in seven years.

Why did this news bring such joy to me? Well, I am gay, and have always wanted to go on Rosie O’Donnell’s Family Cruise. Just kidding. In all seriousness, I imagined Gwinnett County’s Laura Mallory (Remember when she fought to have Harry Potter novels banned from her kids school district?) and anyone else that sincerely believes Harry Potter novels promote witchcraft; in turn, leading their children to follow the occult may be, at that very moment, screaming “I knew all along the books were evil all along,” while internally combusting. To make matters worse for Harry haters, the audience reportedly fell silent after the admission and then erupted into applause. Sweet!

Because I have already admitted that I have a teeny-tiny obsession with Harry Potter, for some reason, Dumbledore’s outing restored both my faith in watching the news and humanity. Not only do I respect Rowling for exercising her prerogative as an author, but I instantly felt inspired to carpe diem and find fun fall activities I could partake in order to properly celebrate people not being so serious all the time, in addition to gay rights, great books, world peace and teachers everywhere, of course.

If Dumbledore actually existed and was my gay wizard boyfriend-not-boyfriend, here are a few places I would take him this fall:

• Krispy Kreme for a Pumpkin Spice delicious old-fashioned doughnut, available now through the end of the year.
• Fest-of-Ale every Thursday at the Atlanta Botanical Garden, where we could also take a peak at Scarecrows in the Garden. Or, if the scarecrows made him nervous, we could always hit Sweetwater Brewery for a Festive Ale, a cinnamon-laced high-octane brew that contains 8.6 percent alcohol.
• The Chomp and Stomp, an annual 5K run, live bluegrass, chili cook-off and artist market festival in Cabbagetown on Saturday, Nov. 3.
   
  Pumpkin Destruction Day We would watch as unsold pumpkins are shot out of a cannon at The Rock Ranch (5020 Barnesville Highway (Ga. 36) all day on Nov. 3. Glorious fun for the family!
• The Haunted Corn Maze at Uncle Shuck’s in Dawsonville because Malachi from “Children of the Corn” still wigs me out.
• Online to DonorsChoose.org: In honor of his chosen profession, we would hit the Internet to make a tax-deductible donation to not-for-profit Web site where teachers submit needs for classroom supplies. Do-gooding is fun. SP

When not attending Atlanta’s hottest parties, tracking down celebs or shopping for shoes, Caren West runs her own PR firm. E-mail her at carenwest@sundaypaper.com.