Sunday, December 09, 2007
Quick, "Ask a Bachelor"
Just live with it—or not
I came across it with honest intentions, but I
feel like I’ve invaded her privacy...
Just live with it—or not
Q My girlfriend of two years and I finally moved in together. My weightlifting bench has been replaced with a Kitty-Litter box, but the compromise has been worth it. As I was helping liberate my slow-to-unpack girlfriend from her cardboard boxes, I found the contents of one box to be disturbing. It was filled with old letters and photos from a guy I’ve never heard of, and I was filled with jealousy. I know we all have exes, and I don’t think I’ve hid anything from her, but I feel like I’ve come across something that’s been purposely kept secret from me. I didn’t read any of the letters, but the more my curiosity eats away at me, the more I want to. I don’t want to ask my girlfriend about the box because I don’t want to seem like I was snooping. I came across it with honest intentions, but I feel like I’ve invaded her privacy. Should I tell her what I found and ask her about the mystery man? Or should I just chalk this up to Living with a Girl 101? —Living Together and Learning
Lighten up. You found a box of letters and photos, not worn-out whips and leather straps branded with their initials. You weren’t snooping because you came across the box accidentally didn’t read the letters. And your girlfriend probably wasn’t trying to hide anything—she likely just forgot about the box. If there’s any situation where the ghost of a boyfriend past is likely to make an appearance, it’s during a move.
If you’re that eaten up with curiosity, say something like: “Honey, while I was helping you unpack, I found a box you might want to check out. It looks personal and I didn’t want to invade your privacy.” This demonstrates your willingness to help around the house and your respect of her privacy (both pluses) and might lead to a chat about the Mystery Man. But are you sure you want to have it—especially if, when she mentions his name, her eyes glaze over and her mouth curls into a dreamy smile? Like Pandora’s, some boxes are best kept closed. Your girlfriend is committed enough to live with you, and unless you want to drive her away with demands about every detail of her love life before you, drop it.
Furthermore, as far as boxes go, I’d say the one filled with cat crap that replaced your weight bench trumps the ex mementos. Compromise in a relationship is great, but dude – that particular sacrifice sounds seriously shitty. My best move-in tip for you: Take the doormat off your head and put it on the front porch, where it belongs. And happy co-habitating.
I’ve dating “Mike” for two months. He’s in his early 30s and very successful, whereas I’m just getting started. I even like Ramen Noodles sometimes! Last week was my birthday, and I’m a little embarrassed by the gift he gave me. I’ve been out of college for a year, and up until now the nicest birthday gift I got from a boyfriend was a mix CD. But Mike took me to a romantic dinner and an art opening. Just as I was thinking it was the best birthday ever, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful, but at the same time I’m terrified by the implication of the gift. Diamonds are for married people, aren’t they? And I don’t even think my mom has anything this nice. Our relationship has been great up until now, but every time I think of the bracelet I feel like I’m being bought by someone. Am I crazy for being freaked out by a gift? Should I give it back? Why couldn’t he have just given me a mix CD? —“Tiffany”
Embarrassed? By a lavish piece of bling bestowed upon you from an older, wealthy man after just two months together??? Why, Tiffany, you should be thrilled! And you should consider this a critical life lesson for your fresh-out-of college self—in Atlanta, there’s plenty of opportunity to carve out an enviable existence by perfecting the under-appreciated art of gold-digging!
Ahem. Sorry for the sarcasm (which wasn’t directed at you but the aforementioned gold-diggers, who are probably too busy trolling Phipps Plaza for thick-walleted male victims to read anyway) and onto my advice. First, yes, diamonds are for married people. But they’re also for single gals, fiancées and sometimes sweet young thangs being wooed by their loaded new beaus. Obviously you’re one of the latter, and refreshingly, you’re missing the gene that would have shallower types cooing: “Ooh, it’s gooooorgeous! But … umm … where are the matching earrings?” In your case, I think you should simply tell Moneybags Mike that as much as you love the bracelet you just don’t feel right accepting such an expensive gift so soon. Reassure him you do feel great about him and that you’d like to revisit the issue later. Hopefully, this will keep those icky, hookerish feelings at bay (and him from heading to the returns department). Then, to nurse any possible damage to his fragile male ego, invite him over, boil up a tasty batch of Ramen and show him how to make a rockin’ mix CD. SP
After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.