Sunday, December 30, 2007
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

It takes two to tango

I love him a lot, and I’m proud he’s getting a degree, since he had a really rough childhood and parents who constantly put him down. But I’m getting fed up!

Q I’m engaged to a guy who’s 27, and just finishing his first year of college. I’m really happy he’s getting a degree because education is a non-negotiable for me (I have an MBA). Recently, we moved into a nice house I bought with some money I inherited. I work hard as a paralegal, and he’s a full-time student, so he doesn’t have time to hold down a job, which I understand. But I told him I would really appreciate if he could help around the house more and stick to the budget that we set up so we can afford the mortgage. He agreed, but he’s not lived up to his end of the deal. When he comes home from class, he either does his homework or just plops in front of the TV, claiming he’s too tired to do anything else. He never helps me clean unless I pressure him to. And—get this—I came across a credit card bill the other day for a card I don’t have. Turns out he applied for an AmEx without me knowing and has run up $2,000 in bills, mostly for restaurants on campus—even though I often pack his lunch for him! Every time I talk to him about this, he always promises to change but never does. I love him a lot, and I’m proud he’s getting a degree, since he had a really rough childhood and parents who constantly put him down. But I’m getting fed up! What should I do? —Tired

A Start with taking off the apron. Your fella is obviously so tangled up in the strings that he’s confusing you with his mother, thanks to your incessant coddling. You’re his fiancee, yet you pay the rent, pester him about his chores and even pack his lunch, for Pete’s sake! I’m sure they didn’t cover Greek mythology in your master’s program, but this sad situation screams Oedipus complex. Which, given his fractious relationship with his parents, is an intriguing contrast to the typical mama’s boy scenario that some women put up with. You, however, seem to be overcompensating for a biological mother who didn’t provide her son much emotional nourishment.

Extracting him from the teat you’ve offered—in other words, building a relationship of equals—is going to take some work. A good place to start is him living on his own. That means he cleans up his messes, packs his own friggin’ lunch and figures out how to pay the bills he’s racked up (plenty of full-time college students hold down jobs, by the way), without you swooping in to save the day and tuck him into bed when things get rough. It might take a while to figure out if there’s enough left of your relationship after you disentangle yourselves from the warped roles you’ve set. So put the ring in a drawer until you have a better handle on whether you both can survive with the umbilical cord being cut.

Q I’m a 28-year-old successful woman, and I just ended a five-year relationship. Scary as it is, I’ve enjoyed getting back into the dating scene again. And I’m happy to say I’ve done pretty well for myself! For about two months, I’ve been casually seeing a handful of guys, all of whom I like and enjoy spending time with. But I’m not ready to settle down with anyone just yet. It’s been so long since I’ve dated, I’m not sure what the rules are anymore. Do I need to disclose the fact that I’m seeing more than one person? If so, how? I’m not sleeping with any of them at the moment, which makes things a little simpler, but what happens if I want to become intimate with more than one? I’ve already used the excuse that I have plans with a girlfriend if I have two offers for one night, and I feel really bad about lying. But I figure that’s better than telling them I have another date, right? Please help! —Juggling and Struggling

A Welcome to the most ego-boosting phase of dating: the Feast, a delicious time when besotted suitors fall at your feet. (The flipside, of course, is the Famine, when the flow of fellows dries up like Lake Lanier.) To savor the Feast as long as possible, strive to be just honest enough about your other dalliances, without providing any unnecessary info that encourages speculation, jealousy or competition. On a night when you’re already booked, turn down another offer by saying you have plans, and don’t lie about having them with a girlfriend. If they press for more information, say a friend; if they ask which friend, try “Nunya—as in nunya business!” Certainly, sex makes things a little, um, stickier, so hopefully by the time you get to that point, you’ll have narrowed down the herd. As long as you haven’t given anyone false hopes that they’re your one and only, bon appetit, I say! One last tidbit for you to chew on: Most guys pride themselves on having more than one woman in the rotation, too. Until you’ve had the exclusivity talk, I wouldn’t assume that you’re the sole dish on their menu. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.