Sunday, December 30, 2007
Food, Wine, Beer & Spirits

Celery & spice

Bloody Mary mixes on the hot seat

By Jason Tesauro and Phineas Mollod

In the Texas Rollergirls Rock-n-Rollerderby league, co-captains Apocalippz and Bea Attitude led Buckshot Betty, Muffin Tumble and leading scorer Sparkle Plenty to the 2007 championship over crosstown rivals, the Hotrod Honeys. Locally, the Atlanta Rollergirls are a member of the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association, so catch a night of lady smackdown at the All-American Skating Center in Stone Mountain. And whether your next headache is due to New Year’s festivities or a trackside collision with a jammer in a naughty schoolgirl outfit, there’s one surefire remedy … the Bloody Mary.

Everyone loves a homemade Bloody, but what if you can’t muster the Worcestershire and celery salt to make it yourself? To answer this question, we lined up more than a baker’s dozen mixes from around the country and invited a magic circle of guests to brunch.

ANATOMY OF A BLOODY MARY
1.) Tomato flavor and consistency, with enough thickness to handle a heavy hand, but beware of tomato paste–based mixes
2.) Ample spiciness that arouses but doesn’t numb the palate
3.) Salinity (celery salt), which was abused in the lesser mixes and made guests pucker like an accidental eyeful of granny porn
4.) Secondary flavorings plus citrus and vegetable notes give the drink heft and lovely jags
5.) Handsome olfactory garnishes

HOT-BLOODED RUNNERS UP
Bloody Bold Bloody Mary Mix
Silver medal winner: A stellar mix of layered flavors, with horseradish, citrus and clam on the tongue, and “a nice thickness that can hide vodka like a M-F.” Though the mix presents a tad sweet, its great texture offers excellent “corpse reviver” qualities; a great hangover panacea.

Uncle Dougie’s Torpedo Juice
Sweet and beguiling (“Yay, corn sweeteners finally used for good!”), with a malt vinegary taste and a sharp ending. Good for spice lovers; good “food” Bloody Mary and great at brunch.

Whiskey Willie Bloody Mary Mix
The so-called “Almost World Famous” mix is well-integrated, with a perfect celery saltiness (“If I got this in a bar, I’d be happy”). Thinner than most, straight-on, with one-note peppery spiciness, garlic powder goodness and an unremarkable finish.

SPICY B+
Zing Zang Bloody Mary Mix
A nice spicy thing, with a V-8 like consistency (“I like it … but I don’t love it!”), with a rich vegetable taste; tastes like a classic bar-made Bloody Mary. The MSG saltiness detracts from the sharpness.

Jero Spicy Jalapeño Bloody Mary Mix
Jero has a nice jalapeño twang, citrus and pleasing sweetness. It’s the most “doctorable” for home mixers and perfect for novices who won’t miss a lack of complexity. Good after you’ve had a few; a satisfying pour.

HONORABLE MENTION
Ben Jack Laredo Bloody Mary Mix
Each bottle contains a unique swizzle stick, a pickled asparagus spear and family folk lore going back to the Santa Fe Cattle Trail.

Freshies Original Bloody Mary Mix
Uses fresh vegetables and herbs instead of concentrates and dried ingredients, plus dijon mustard and fresh dill.

Major Peter’s Original
The most tomato-juice forward (94 percent juice), with a nice viscosity and a smooth glide, though salty to a fault.

MARY, QUEEN OF HOTS—AND THE
WINNER IS…
Demitri’s All Natural Bloody Mary Seasoning Classic Recipe/Chiles and Peppers/Extra Horseradish

Frankly, this seasoning (you add the tomato juice + garnishes) is as good as it gets without making it from scratch. The mixed drink is sharp, peppery and fantastic, with succinct flavors, a beautiful jaggedness of secondary flavors, balanced spiciness, great complexity and an exciting finish that “kills you softly.” The Extra Horseradish is less wild and smoother. Great for bartenders since it’s a concentrate that won’t degrade like tomato juice in a big bottle. $9.45 buys you a 16-ounce bottle that makes 8 quarts, or 40 12-ounce drinks. And it fits smartly in an apartment fridge. We caught up with Demitri Pallis—brains and bartender/genius behind Demitri’s—via a long-distance call while he was in the Czech Republic.

Q What makes your mix so damn good?
A We use Lea & Perrins Worcestershire, real lemon juice and horseradish that’s added to the blend immediately after it’s freshly grated, plus, a couple secrets in there, of course. It’s lower sodium and 100 percent natural. No preservatives, nothing artificial ... it’s about as clean a product as you can find. In a packaged mix, the pulp is usually missing and pasteurization doesn’t help—or it’s like a gazpacho. When you mix it with fresh juice, it delivers handmade-from-scratch Bloody Marys perfect every time, in no time.

How’d you get in the Bloody biz?
As a bartender in Seattle’s Pioneer Square near the Kingdome, if I made too big a batch of Bloody Mary mix, it would spoil. If I didn’t make enough on a Seahawks Sunday, we’d run out. I perfected the seasoning so that all I’d have to do is add the juice to order. Perfect for one single drink or a few gallons. Being Greek, there was no shortage of restaurant owners and nearby bars I knew who wanted it, too. Now we sell to Hilton Hotels, Gordon Biersch and even Bear’s Best in Atlanta.

How do you like your Bloody?
The Chilies & Peppers mix is my personal favorite. It has whole pureed peppers, no powders. I didn’t do anything crazy or weird. We keep it classic.

Bloody Heck
• Freshies Original Recipe and Habanero Hot Bloody Mary Mixes
• Whitney’s Famous BM’s Bloody Mary Mix
• Rusty’s Best Red Snapper Bloody Mary Mixer
• Patrick Henry’s Revolutionary and Revolutionary Spicy Bloody Mary Mixes
• Longbranch Bloody Mary Zinger
• Major Peters’ The Works/ Major Peters’ Hot & Spicy Bloody Mary Mixes

PRIMARY LIQUORS
When the Bloody Mary debuted at Harry’s New York Bar in Paris circa 1921, vodka was the spirit of choice. Today, “little water” (as the Russians call vodka) remains the favored Hemi under a Bloody’s hood, but variations feature the substitution of tequila (Bloody Maria), sherry (Bloody Bishop) and saké (Bloody Geisha). For this tasting, we added the same stiff but reasonable amount of vodka to each batch, scoring the drinks before an inundation of garnishes beyond citrus and a celery stirrer. Then, cornichons, blue cheese-stuffed olives and pickled okra were available. Moreover, vodka was preferred, although gin boosted lighter and more fruit-driven mixes.

Luksuova means “luxury,” a fitting translation for this icy vodka with a rich palate. It’s a Polish potato vodka blended with water from artesian wells created during the Oligocene Epoch (that brief span before the Miocene marked by a major extinction event). There’s no need for “ultra-premium” vodka when blending multiple ingredients and celery, yet rotgut isn’t the answer. Luksusova is a sensible, value choice that’s superb as a mixer and suitably designed for label-conscious hosts. SP

Phineas and Jason are the authors of “The Modern Gentleman” and “The Modern Lover.” E-mail them at booze@sundaypaper.com.