Sunday, January 06, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Getting to know you

I just don’t know what to make of what my girlfriend gave me for Christmas.

By Blane Bachelor

Q I would like to think I’m not materialistic, and when it comes to receiving presents, I try not to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I just don’t know what to make of what my girlfriend gave me for Christmas. A beautiful card accompanied by an ornately wrapped box, carrying a black leather wallet. The kind of wallet your Aunt Selma gives you every few years because she only sees you every few years and she has to get you something. I’m talking about what appears to be a last minute panic present that looks like it came from the drugstore. I don’t even carry a wallet, and she knows this. She knows I use my grandfather’s money clip. I know she knows—we’ve talked about the money clip and how I much prefer it to carrying a brick in my back pocket. I can usually see a gift for the effort put into it and the thought behind it, but I just don’t know what to make of this. I feel like the hammer is about to drop on what I thought was a great relationship. Am I reading too much into this? —Unsettled after the holidays

A Forget not looking a gift horse in the mouth—after a receiving crappy present like that, I’d want to punch a gift horse in the mouth, so I understand why you’re flummoxed. Take heart, though: Giving bad gift is a problem many couples have overcome. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting to know someone better. Other times, bad gifts are a result of bad judgment or differing values systems. Unfortunately, sometimes they’re also indicative of thornier issues: selfishness, thoughtlessness and a desire to make someone into something they’re not.

But without knowing details about your relationship with this pathetic gift-giving gal beyond that it’s “great,” it’s hard to infer too much from this one particular gift choice. However, the fact that your girlfriend may have shopped for you at a drugstore is a tad troubling. Even more so is that she’s aware of the reasons why you carry a money clip and its meaning to you, and she still decided to try to doctor up a cheapo Walgreens wallet with fancy wrapping and a card and pass it off as a meaningful gift. Without using those exact words, an honest conversation with your girlfriend is your best bet at this point. Communication is, after all, at the heart of all great relationships, and even though you’re questioning that yours might not be so great after all, I don’t think you should “drop the hammer” at this point. Your girlfriend might be someone who doesn’t put too much stock in gifts, but you obviously do. See if talking about it results in a gift that’s closer to your heart when your birthday rolls around. If not, this relationship might be a goner, unless you think you can fake delight when you unwrap a Chia Pet next Christmas.

I really liked your response a few weeks ago to that girl who was in love with her colleague/friend, so I’m hoping you can give me some good advice in a sticky situation. I’ve been dating a guy I really like for about six months. We work for the same company but in different offices. But he has a real problem with lying. Some of the things he’s told me about his family just don’t add up. I’ve also heard some suspect things about him from other friends at work, including another girl he used to date in the office. When I call him out on these things, he always denies them and tells me people are always out to sabotage him. Apart from all this, he treats me very well and we have a great relationship—not to mention mind-blowing sex. He’s funny and caring, and I know he really loves me, but I don’t trust him anymore. I think it’s time to end it, so how do I go about doing it? —Tired of this liar

I dated a compulsive liar once, and he continued to lie his sorry socks off to the very end—which was his out-and-out denial that the two wine glasses in his sink weren’t his and the girl he was cheating on me with, even after I pointed out that there was no other possible explanation for them. Smitten as I was with him, I gave him one last chance to come clean—and one last chance to save our relationship—and he didn’t take it. So, hard as it was, I walked out the door and never looked back, because staying with him—and dealing with the insecurity, second-guessing and roller-coaster emotions that come with the territory of dating a liar—would have been infinitely harder. Make your own break by telling him the truth—that his lies have left you no choice but to leave him. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.