Sunday, January 13, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Diamonds in the drawer … and men in the closet

I typically date “metro” men, but I’m beginning to wonder if he’s more than metro...

By Blane Bachelor

Q I’ve been seeing a guy for several weeks who is hot, smart, cultured and treats me great. I typically date “metro” men, but I’m beginning to wonder if he’s more than metro. He’s much more interested in decorating and celebrity gossip than me or any of my girlfriends, and he has to have the latest designer styles. He’s obsessed with his appearance and insists on restaurants with lots of low-carb options so he can maintain his weight to the pound. He likes (and even encourages) being hit on by men, which happens often. He has several other highly “questionable” characteristics, which I’ll spare here. Most of these things I could explain away, except that it also feels like we’re just going through the motions in bed. I know I’m attractive, but he doesn’t show real passion for me, and I usually have to initiate sex. I don’t want to sabotage a relationship with a great guy, but I also don’t want to be “that girl” who is dating a closeted guy. I’m not sure what to do. Am I overanalyzing, or is the situation obvious? If I think he may be gay, should I call him out? —Not Sure He’s Straight

Your guy and one of my exes would get along swimmingly. They could hit Phipps Plaza to snag the hot new Lucky jeans, and dissect Britney’s latest screw-up over salmon salads at Einstein’s in Midtown. Then, they could go for a post-meal stroll, perhaps popping into Blake’s for a cocktail—because that’s what men who are in romantic relationships with women do, right? Meanwhile, you and I could have a frank discussion about warning signs and listening to your gut, because after having dated someone who’s inching his way out of the closet, that’s exactly where your guy appears to be living.
Just to be sure, I ran your letter by two of my closest gay friends and both agreed that your guy’s sexual orientation points closer to gay than straight. By themselves, the behaviors you list—obsession with fashion and appearance, relishing of attention from men, lackluster sex with you—wouldn’t be too much cause for panic. But all those things combined are another story, and judging by the plotline you’ve outlined, you’re no longer content to play the role of naïve girlfriend. So break up with him already, but please spare him your reasons. He sounds confused enough, and unless the other “questionable” characteristics include, oh, a tendency to have naked sleepovers with his guy buddies, calling him out will only push him deeper into the closet. If he really is a great guy, be a great friend and realize this is a decision that’s his—and his only—to make.

My parents divorced when I was three, and my mom still has the wedding ring my dad gave her. When I got older, Mom told me she was saving the diamond for me to give to my future wife. Which is flattering, but I’m gay, so there’s about as much chance of that happening as seeing George Bush in drag at Blake’s. Thankfully, Mom has come to grips with the fact that I won’t ever be giving that diamond to a woman. But recently she reminded me it’s there whenever I want it. So I started thinking about it more. The diamond symbolizes where I came from—I was the only child my parents had together—and it’s just sitting in a drawer. I decided I want to ask for it. But how exactly do I go about doing that and what do I do with it when I get it? My ear is pierced, so I could put it in an earring, but is that appropriate? A ring might work, though I haven’t worn one in a while. I feel that when I ask Mom for it, I should tell her what I’m planning to do with it. I want to go about this the right way, without offending my parents, but I have no idea what etiquette and protocol are here. Help! —In a Diamond Dilemma

First of all, props to you. Instead of heading straight to the pawn shop, you want to wear a piece of your family history—without pissing anyone off in the process—and that’s pretty cool. Especially considering that so many people use the “divorced parents/broken family” cliché as an excuse to behave like self-serving cretins.

Your mom sounds genuinely happy to give you the diamond. So I see no violation of etiquette in taking her up on her offer. Tell her how flattered you are and that you’re exploring some ideas for wearing it. Don’t worry about not having an exact plan yet—a reputable jeweler can help you figure that out. And as long as it’s a ring you’ll be wearing on an appendage above your waist, your mom will hopefully be OK with it.

Lastly, you say you don’t want to offend your parents, but I see no mention of your dad. If you think he’ll have some questions of his own if he spots a familiar-looking piece of bling on your bod, you might want to consider giving him a heads-up. After all, he’s the one who shelled out for the rock in the first place. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.