Sunday, January 20, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Making the move

I’ve been dating a girl on and off for four years. She lives in a rented house a block away...

Q I’ve been dating a girl on and off for four years. She lives in a rented house a block away, and I own mine. The breakups were mostly due to my emotional immaturity. With her help, I have worked hard on addressing and growing my emotional side. Last year, I ran into financial and career issues and was not very loving or caring and the relationship died. She wants to remain friends, and I welcome that. She’s a wonderful girl, and we enjoy so many things—anything outdoors and our dogs. However, after a couple of months, I’m realizing it’s not that easy with the feelings I still have, especially the physical ones. Being in the same neighborhood, we see each other and our dogs play almost every day. There’s a house for rent four doors down from me, and she’s seriously considering it. It’s a perfect fit for her and her business. At first I thought, “Cool.” Now I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I’m trying to get back into the dating world. How do I say that it’s not a good idea to rent a house so close? Or do I have a say? —Not Feeling Neighborly

A Let’s just see how such a say might sound to her, shall we? Round up your pups for a stroll, and consider this script:

“Hey there. Hi, Rover. [Scratch her dog’s head.] How’s the search coming for a place? Oh, so this one [pointing to the house four doors down from you] is still the frontrunner? [Sigh deeply.] Well, I’d like to talk about that. I know when we were together you really helped me overcome my stunted emotional development, and that after that I was a real jerk-off when worked sucked and I was hard up for cash. But the fact of the matter is that I’m trying to get my life and my mojo back. So having you move a few doors closer to me—no matter how perfect that house would be for you and your business and even though we already live pretty close anyway—just doesn’t work with my plans. I mean, what would happen if I brought a hot new honey home, and I saw your car in your driveway, and it just reminded me that sometimes I still want to jump your bones? How would you expect me to handle that? You’re a great gal and all, but I just think my comfort, convenience and happiness trump yours. So why don’t you just stay put on your block, ummmkay? [Smile and nod enthusiastically.] You still want to walk the dogs tomorrow, right?” SCENE.

Or you could try another script, this one for an internal conversation with your emotionally mature self: “Hey pal, why not apply all that growing up stuff to this situation, which essentially boils down to three points: 1) If you welcome being friends with her, you should want good things for her, which this rental deal appears to be. 2) She already lives a block away—what the hell difference should a few doors closer make to you anyway? 3) Whatever you’re still feeling for this girl—and there might be more there than you’re willing to admit—you need to figure out on your own, without dragging her back into your issues. If that means cooling off the friendship for a while, so be it. Now, quit talking to yourself.” SCENE.

I have been dating a great guy for almost a year. We click on every level. One friend commented 10 minutes after meeting him, “Marry him.” There is one problem. He lives in New York, and I live in Atlanta. We see each other about once a month and take turns with our visits. I never envisioned myself in a long-distance relationship. The time is approaching for one of us to make the move, in more ways than one. How do you decide who moves where? We both have great jobs, great places to live and a great circle of friends. My heart says he is the one, but my common sense says surely there must be a great guy in the city I live in. HELP! —Big Peach or Big Apple?

You decide who moves where—and when—after a lot of honest conversations about expectations, sacrifices, jobs, feelings, living expenses, fears, hopes, holidays and what happens if one of you wants to have daily sex while the other is content with a weekend shag. But I’m guessing you haven’t had those discussions yet. Instead, what I sense from your letter is a one-sided push. Does he feel, for example, that it’s time to make the move? You might not have envisioned being in an LDR, but is he fine with it? And your heart might say he’s the one, but what about his? Even after you dig deeper and one of you decides to make the move, there are no guarantees. The dismal reality is that the great majority of most long-distance relationships just don’t go the distance. If that’s the case for you, look at it this way: As you’ve said, you have a great group of friends in this great city of Atlanta. And if you two beat the odds and things do work out, well, then that’s great too. SP
After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.