TODAY

Sunday, January 27, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Tough love

As far as setting an example about respect to your kids—that’s like Amy Winehouse setting an example for sobriety.

Q My husband is extremely loving and wonderful; he’s my best friend. However, he has a habit he just can’t quit—going out and getting wasted with his buddies. Since we began living together, he would go out and not be available by cell and then come home the next morning. After we got married, he did this a couple more times, which I had asked him not to. Since then, I suggested some guidelines when we go out with our own friends, like be home by 3 a.m., and if for some reason we can’t, call or text. That worked a few times, but then he pulled the same stunt again. It’s the same issue before we got married, and he promised then that those days are over. But two months after we had a baby, it happened again multiple times.

It’s fine to go out with your friends every once in a while, but why does it have to be to a club or bar? Why can’t I get hold of him after 3 a.m.? And why doesn’t he know when to stop or when to come home? He always comes up with excuses and he’s extremely regretful, but I just want it to end. I don’t want to worry all the time about raising my kids and thinking about my husband getting pulled over or into an accident, or if he is passed out somewhere (like I found him last time, in the driveway of his friend’s house). I want to make sure we’re setting good examples and showing our kids to be respectful to one another, so I’m having doubts if he is going to change. I love him and he loves me, and I know he’s not with anyone else. But this could ultimately hurt our marriage. What do you suggest? —Home Alone

A I’ll start by addressing your first three questions: 1) Because sitting home playing pinochle doesn’t exactly provoke the same “I might be hitched, but I can still hit the town” sense of rebellion and self-worth that checking out the honeys at the hotspots apparently does; 2) because he’s probably passed out; 3) I have no idea, but an AA counselor might.

But even if your husband doesn’t have a drinking problem (and it sounds like he’s teetering on a dangerous ledge), he clearly has a problem with accepting responsibility. And since you asked for suggestions, here’s one: Kick his partying ass out of the house until he gets the message that this is totally unacceptable behavior for a married father. He obviously has a place to crash after spending all those nights away from home. Let him stay there until he clears his head and figures out why he’d rather be slamming beers at the bar than home with his family.

Your hubby’s behavior doesn’t just have the potential to hurt your marriage—it already has. It’s bad enough that he regularly gets plastered until the wee hours with a wife and young child at home. Even worse is that he doesn’t even grant you the courtesy of a call or text on the nights he’s not coming home. As far as setting an example about respect to your kids—that’s like Amy Winehouse setting an example for sobriety.

You’ve made enough attempts at communication and compromise. It’s time to start getting tough. Unless, that is, you’re okay with the idea of telling your child in a few years, “No, sweetie, Daddy can’t make it to your soccer game today because he’s, um, too tired from his sleepover at his friend’s house last night. Maybe next time, OK?”


Q I’m getting married this spring. My fiancé and I have a wonderful relationship and are very much in love, but he always ignores my birthday and holidays. I hate this! We’ve talked about it at length but nothing seems to work. It really hurts my feelings when I have to remind him to just get me a card. For my last birthday, he didn’t do anything at all! And with Valentine’s Day coming up, I’m sure he’s not planning on doing anything either, even though I’d be thrilled with a simple card. I have told him how much this bothers me, so why does he keep doing it? We have a great time together and he has wonderful qualities all around, except for this. Do you think I’m overreacting? —Getting Jilted on Holidays

Personally, I’d be pissed beyond belief if my boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to cough up so much as a card for my birthday, no matter how wonderful the relationship was. So, no, I don’t think you’re overreacting. But that’s because I think cards and gifts are an important component of showing affection and keeping romance alive. Your fiance obviously isn’t the gift-giving type, which means it’s up to you to decide whether this is something you can live with. If the relationship is as wonderful as you say and you’re willing to overlook this one character trait, then you should grin, bear it and get used to making your own dinner reservations for your b-day and the holidays you want to celebrate as a couple. SP
After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.