Sunday, February 03, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Sex, lies and the Internet

Certainly, it’s possible to find love from your keyboard, but most people I know who have tried online dating are one bad date away from smashing their monitors with a sledgehammer.

Q I’m engaged to the love of my life, and we’re both thrilled. But there’s something on my mind that I can’t seem to shake lately. When I was just out of college, I had a short-lived affair with a married man. It happened after he told me he should have never married his wife. I ended it quickly because I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. But after several years, he’s recently tracked me down again. He had been asking my sister for my number, and she wouldn’t give it to him, and then he found me on his own through MySpace. We had a very friendly conversation. He sent me photos of his two kids, and I told him I was engaged. I know I don’t have any intention of starting things up with him again. But it’s brought up some new feelings of guilt. Now that I’m about to be a married woman myself, I just can’t seem to shake what I did to his wife back then. I’m afraid I’ve wrecked my karma. Am I destined to have my husband-to-be cheat on me for what I did? Should I tell him about what happened or just let sleeping dogs lie? —Engaged and Afraid

A Good ol’ karma. It certainly is a buzzword of the day, isn’t it? Especially when we’re trying to come to grips with our own questionable behavior—and, more importantly, if it will come back to bite us in the ass. As for whether your previous skinny dip into the adultery pool will one day haunt your marriage, I’m afraid only the gods of the universe know the answer.

But I’ll save you any patronizing speeches about keeping your hubby happy and out of the arms of a karma-equalizing temptress. Instead, let’s look at the things you can do now to get your marriage off on the right foot—specifically, keeping mum about this. I’ll preach all day long about the importance of communication, but that doesn’t always mean total honesty. First of all, this has nothing to do with your fiancé and everything to do with a bad decision you made years ago—one that, thankfully, you recognized soon after you’d made it. If you’re looking for ways to ease your guilty conscious, here’s an easy one: Cut ties with your former fling, stat. He’s obviously still carrying a torch for you, and I see nothing good coming out of staying in touch. Second, to answer your other question, yes, I think it’s best to let sleeping (around) dogs lie.

I’m really frustrated. I’m a single woman many would say is a goody-two-shoes; I don’t like bars or clubs, I work hard, I go to church. I want to meet a great guy, so I decided to check out a few online dating sites. Bad move. Almost all of the guys I met falsely advertised about their appearance—they’ll tell me they’re athletic or built, and they end up looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Or they’ll be 15 years older than what they told me. Even more disturbing, a couple of them were married—they wanted to meet me for an early morning coffee or a very late drink, and then they just tried to hustle me to my place or a motel. When I refuse, that’s when they ’fess up and tell me they’re married, but the wife hasn’t given it up for months. It’s disgusting! How could their wives be so oblivious that their computer-savvy husbands are not just e-mailing, but out there trying to get some? —Over Online Dating

No clue. Maybe the wives are too busy tightening their chastity belts. Here’s a more important question: Why do you keep bothering with the online dating thing if all you’ve landed are men who are pudgy, aging and adulterous? Certainly, it’s possible to find love from your keyboard—a good friend of mine met her hubby on Match.com—but most of the people I know who’ve tried online dating are one bad date away from smashing their monitors with a sledgehammer. So why not try another avenue for meeting men? Your church sounds like a perfect starting point. As does any coffee shop, where there are oodles of people who, if they’re truly not working hard, at least look like they could be. Whatever the case, keep in mind that it’s a lot easier to get a solid first read on someone in person, instead of from behind the protective mask of an e-mail or screen name. SP

Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.