Sunday, February 10, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Be wise and compromise
Q I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man I plan on marrying (sooner than later!). We do not live together, but obviously, I spend a good deal of time at his home. Recently, his younger brother found himself in need of a place to live, and my boyfriend graciously offered his spare bedroom. Things haven't gone well! The brother, in short, is a terrible roommate. He gets upset when I “mother” him (read: ask him to clean up after himself or keep the noise down), but leaves me with little choice when the house becomes unlivable. It’s like having a teenage son (but he’s not a teenager)! To make things even worse, I feel so self-conscious having sex when he’s around. My boyfriend is frustrated, too, but he feels obligated to help his brother during his time of need. I feel like I have an ally at times, but there’s also that “watch it, that’s my brother” line I’m often dangerously close to crossing. I know it seems like we should just spend our time at my place, but it’s smaller and less comfortable, so we prefer his. I’m at wits end. I feel like I'm in college again dealing with roommates! Help! —Cramped
A I’m confused: You’d rather hang out at your boyfriend’s home—with the omnipresence of a messy, noisy, live-in leech who might be hearing you shagging his brother—than your own place because it’s smaller and “less comfortable”? Unless your furniture is made of granite, it’s hard to imagine a living situation causing more discomfort for everyone than making domestic demands on a family guest when your name isn’t even on the lease.
There’s a lot you’ve left out: the reason for the brother’s “time of need,” whether there’s a timetable on his stay and if he’s chipping in on room and board. If he’s a newcomer trying to get a feel for the town or he was fired unexpectedly and can’t afford rent on his own, he might deserve a tad more compassion than if he was evicted because his three-foot bong caught fire and torched an entire apartment complex. Also consider that maybe this isn’t so much about him being an inconsiderate guest than a trespasser onto your relationship territory. If the brother Hoovered religiously and whipped up banana crepes on Sunday mornings, would you feel any less squirmy with him around while you and your boyfriend do the deed?
In the end, however, it all boils down to this: It’s your boyfriend’s place and his brother. That means it’s his responsibility to set the boundaries and communicate them—especially if he’s as frustrated as you are. You say you plan on getting married sooner or later, and as that timetable approaches I’d also suggest a conversation sooner—rather than later—about houseguests in your shared abode.
As for now, you say you have “little choice” when his home becomes “unlivable.” I say au contraire: You can pack your bags and head to your home. On the way, stop at Ikea. Make sure to stock up on pillows to make your own place as comfy as possible and a doormat for your boyfriend as a not-so-subtle hint about how his brother is treating him if this situation doesn’t improve.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about two years. He is definitely the guy that I could see being with forever (finally)! He is successful, handsome and adores me. But, because he is so career-focused, there is no chance that I can have my career too and start a family. He wants me to stay at home and keep house and raise our kids. I know that someone has to do this, and I do want to have kids. But, I, too, have been working toward my career and always cared about being successful myself. All of a sudden, my career has to be a homemaker, and I have to forget everything else I've been working toward! I realize that we have to compromise and make sacrifices, but do I have to give everything up? What about my goals? —Confused Career Girl
For me, a relationship in which I have no chance of pursuing a career has no chance of survival. But, for the sake of giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt (and giving my editor an appropriate word count), I’m going to scrounge for some options despite what looks like a red flag for a woman as career-minded as you: his Neanderthal assumption that two X chromosomes equal only dutiful homemaker, wife and mother.
Forget it, I can’t. You’ve got the wrong columnist for this one. The one thing I will say is that you two are way overdue for a big, fat talk about this. (If he’s so damn successful, why not consider a nanny and/or a housekeeper to allow you to pursue your goals?) If the conversation doesn’t give you some hope that he’s willing to compromise, I’d kick his career-blinded ass to the curb (but be careful you don’t scratch those killer corporate-ladder-climbing pumps). SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.