Sunday, February 24, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
“Yes, but …”
The solution is simple: Close your legs.
Q My boyfriend and I recently broke up after nearly four great years together. The breakup was friendly enough, and we are still on pretty good terms. Since we’ve been together for so long, we both want to remain friends. But here’s the problem: The attraction is still there. So every time we get together for drinks or even just to hang out, we always end up in the sack. My ex has no problem with this arrangement, but I don’t want to keep going on like this. But I also don’t want to lose him as a friend; I really care for him. Can’t two exes just be friends? —Sleeping with the Ex
Yes, but … it usually involves a period of separation in which you both have some time to cool off from the breakup (and get used to the absence of regular nooky). That obviously hasn’t happened here. Even worse, you’re struggling with it. Which breaks the No. 1 rule of sex with an ex: Both parties must be OK with the situation for it to be mutually beneficial.
The solution is simple: Close your legs. And if every time you see each other you end up in bed, consider taking a break from him for a while (that’s what a breakup usually involves, after all). If you insist on hanging out, for God’s sake stay away from the booze and opt for something less dangerous and more public (coffee, a walk, an anti-war rally) instead. If he’s truly a good guy, one worthy of your friendship, he’ll understand your feelings and will probably respect you more in the end. If not, you’re free to find other friends—with or without benefits.
I was with my boyfriend for almost four years. Everyone knew us as “Ann” and “Todd.” We bought an apartment together and lived there for the past two years. I felt certain that we’d get engaged and build our lives together. But over the past few months, “Todd” seemed to become a lot less interested in me, and spent much more time out on guys’ nights. I tried to be OK with this (not to be jealous), but he became more and more distant. Nothing with me, or my feelings, changed for him, but something happened with him, obviously. He decided suddenly he wants to move out. My heart feels broken, but I wonder if it was just too much pressure to live together. Do any couples who live together beforehand make it down the aisle? —Solo and Sad
Yes, but … the majority of them have a clear direction of where they’re headed as a couple before they shack up. Clearly, somewhere between your certainty that he’d pop the question and his distance, lack of interest in you and constant nights on the town, the two of lost your way.
According to an annual report called the “State of Our Unions,” which is issued by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, cohabitating couples have twice the breakup rate of married couples. That’s because, according to the nuptials experts, live-in lovers often sign the mortgage or lease without a shared vision of where the relationship is headed. Sound familiar?
The fact that Todd moved out two years after you bought the apartment together suggests his leaving was more than the post-cohabitation panic that many guys experience upon seeing tampons share the medicine cabinet with their shaving cream. An equally common tendency among men (and plenty of women, too) is not piping up if they don’t feel quite right about the relationship. So, instead they trudge along in the day-to-day, their mouths clamped shut with the fear of being the “bad guy” by ending it (or even voicing their concerns) and letting their apathy and absences do the talking instead. So, a question for you: Why would you even try to “be OK with this” kind of douche-bag behavior?
I’m starting to feel like a broken record with the damn C-word—communication—but nowhere in your letter do I see any indication that you and Todd discussed any of the above. Did he know how you felt about getting married? What were his reasons for moving out? Did you even ask him? Sure, buying an apartment together would seem to indicate things were heading in a semi-permanent direction, but apparently he felt differently. I’m truly sorry about your broken heart, but hopefully this has brought to light the importance of getting things on the table before shopping for the perfect one to go in your shared dining room. As you already know, there are no guarantees for a happy ending, but at least you’ll have more understanding to go on than “something happened with him, obviously.” SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com