Sunday, March 02, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Quittin’ time
So, back to what I would do in your shoes: I’d use one to snuff out my husband’s next cigarette and tell him that either the cancer sticks go or I do.
By Blane Bachelor
Q My boyfriend and I recently broke up after three years. After we graduated college, he went on to grad school while I entered “the real world.” We did the long-distance thing for a year and a half and had always talked about getting engaged around this time and getting married after he graduated next year. After a recent weekend trip to visit him (he’s only an hour away and we saw each other every weekend), he called me and said the spark just wasn't there anymore and he didn’t see himself marrying me anymore. He said I was perfect and did nothing wrong and that he doesn’t deserve me. He swears there is no other girl—he just doesn’t know what he wants in the future and doesn’t want to hold me back. We had a great relationship, and this came out of the blue. How could we be on the same page with what we wanted and then his feelings all of a sudden change? —Confused
A How could the stuffed suits at Coca-Cola even fathom that New Coke would stand a chance against the classic formula? How could David Chase end the Sopranos, one of the most popular television series of all time, by cutting—not even fading, mind you—to black? How could anyone think a mullet looks good? A close cousin of the infinitely exasperating “what if,” the “how could” line of thinking can eat you up day long, and you’ll still be no closer to answering why your boyfriend suddenly went cold.
I will concede that his decision to end a three-year relationship over the phone, as well as tossing in the ridiculous clichéd “I don’t deserve you,” smacks of typical male breakup b.s. But at least he was honest. And as much as I’m sure it hurt, wouldn’t you rather hear it straight up than suffer through months of agonizing over his less-frequent visits and lukewarm interest in your hot bod?
But enough of the analysis and onto the action of healing your wounded heart: Here’s a quickie breakup-survival guide: 1) Delete his number from your phone and his e-mail from your address list. Don’t make contact with him—this includes voice-to-voice, computer-to-computer and skin-to-skin. 2) For no more than a week, indulge yourself in whatever brings you comfort: sappy movies, weepy songs, ice cream, alcohol, the shoulders of nurturing friends and family members. Cry, reminisce, wallow. 3) Pity party’s over. Start focusing on something—anything—negative about him: his sack-less phone breakup, for one thing. Redirect your anger and hurt into exercise, volunteering or a colossal work project. 4) Reset your weekend routine so that you’re no longer programmed for shared pancakes over the Sunday funnies. 5) Remind yourself that you’re still oh-so-young with plenty of time to find someone better, hotter and more sure of his feelings toward you. 6) Repeat steps 3 through 5 until you can say his name without bursting into tears, and, finally, consider that sometimes the best way to get over a guy is to get under another one.
Before my husband and I got married, he was a chain-smoker. After years of nagging, cajoling and threatening (on my part), he quit—and he was so much healthier and happier for it. Now, for whatever reason, he’s started back up again. We’ve been married for five years, and I just don’t understand this regression. Smoking makes me nuts, and he knows it! He at least does it outside or in the car, but his clothes still reek and I really can’t stomach kissing him. He always tastes like smoke! I can’t see ending an otherwise great marriage over cigarettes, but I’m getting really fed up. What would you do in this situation? —Smokin’ Mad
For one, I would have never gotten involved with a chain smoker—even a casual puffer—in the first place. There are few things I find more revolting than the thought of sharing spit (or other bodily fluids) with someone who smells and tastes like an ashtray—not to mention has yellowed teeth, rotting lungs and that dreadful smoker’s hack.
You say you can’t see ending a marriage over cigarettes, but the smoke might be clouding up larger issues here. The first is your husband’s disregard for your health (if he smokes in the car, he’s definitely subjecting your lungs to those nasty carcinogens). The second is his overall well-being—and, by proxy, yours. Like any addition, that to nicotine is a nasty beast, and lighting up again after successfully kicking the habit might be a signal that he’s struggling with some major stuff and turning to his smokes as a coping mechanism.
So, back to what I would do in your shoes: I’d use one to snuff out my husband’s next cigarette, and tell him that either the cancer sticks go—via professional help, the Patch or plain old cold turkey—or I do. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.