Sunday, March 16, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Confessions

Blane Bachelor addresses your secrets, fears and concerns

Q I’m a single woman, 34 years old, recently broken up with my ex-boyfriend. He gave me herpes (he was what’s called an asymptomatic carrier, which means he didn’t show any signs of it). I’ve educated myself well about this condition. But I’m really nervous about when I start dating again. It’s been about four months since he and I broke up, and I’m ready to get out there again. But I have no idea how to tell any prospective guys. What’s the etiquette? I want to be honest, but I don’t want to scare them off prematurely. At the same time, I want to have a love life! —Hate the Word Disease

A I hate the word disease, too, especially when this one in particular is more of a nuisance than anything else. That’s not to say herpes shouldn’t be taken seriously—you’re well-educated about it, so I’m sure you know it can lead to cervical cancer. And I’m sure you’re aware about the other stats, which I’m going to repeat here for others who are less knowledgeable: About one in four people has it. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation and the American Social Health Association, there are more than 15 million new cases of sexually transmitted infections each year—that’s about 41,000 people newly infected daily. Here’s the most troublesome part: Up to 85 percent of people who have genital herpes don’t know it (perhaps like your asymptomatic carrier ex?).

Unfortunately, I’m also sure you’re no stranger to the stigma attached to herpes, even as prevalent as the little bugger is. I wholeheartedly support and encourage your honesty; if more people were as honest, those numbers I cited above wouldn’t be so high. However, I must be honest, too: The simple fact that you have herpes is going to send some guys running. Still, you can help your chances by choosing to divulge the information at an appropriate time, which is getting to the heart of your question (apologies it took so long—I took the opportunity to try to educate a little here): when it feels right to you. Only you can know when that is, but I’d venture to say that it’s not over your first shared appetizer or the moment he’s unrolling the condom (which I know you’ll be using every time). Good luck.

I’m a mid-20s guy who’s been dating the greatest girl for about a year and a half. I’m happier than I’ve ever been with anyone in my life. We’ve built a relationship based on honesty and trust. I feel like I can tell her everything … except this: I occasionally like to wear women’s panties, for no other reason than it turns me on. I’m not gay, and I don’t have any sexual feelings about men, but this is just a weird little thing that I like to indulge in every once in a while. I really, really love this girl, and I don’t want to lose her. But I feel like this is something I need to disclose. —Please Help with My Panty Problem

This “weird little thing that you like to indulge in every once in a while” is called a kink, and, as kinks go, your penchant for panties is pretty tame. Still, I can understand why you’d be skittish about divulging it to your gal. I’d love to have more information about her, especially her sexual style. But since you’re afraid of losing her with your disclosure, I’m guessing it skews more Pollyanna than porn star. If you’re feeling the “need” to fill her in with your little secret, then I think you should tell her, almost the exact same way you told me in your letter. You owe it to her, especially since your relationship is built on honesty and trust. Plus, there’s a good chance she’ll find out anyway—especially if you’ve been raiding her panty drawer—and that conversation would likely be much thornier than one you willingly put on the table. So get ready to reassure her (repeatedly) that you’re not gay and that you truly love her. But also be prepared (and I think you already are) that this might not be something she can live with.

I have recently started a dating a wonderful man. He’s fantastic, but his past isn’t so much. He’s got a reputation of being quite the ladies man. He also dated a friend of mine, briefly, and he ended up cheating on her. We’ve been doing great so far, but I can’t help feeling scared that he could repeat this kind of behavior with me. I always believe in giving someone a second chance. I also don’t want to get involved with someone who could potentially hurt me. Should I give it a try or let go now before he has the chance to cheat on me, too? —Confused

Anybody you become involved with has the potential to hurt you, but this guy has a lot more than the norm. Let go now before he has a chance to cheat on you, too. The signs are there, the writing is on the wall and when—not if—he ends up straying, you can rest assured it will be on somebody else. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.