Sunday, March 23, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
The problem with horny men
Blane Bachelor answers your romance questions
Q I’ve been friends with “Lindsey” since I moved to Atlanta nine years ago. Our relationship is strictly platonic—no hints of sexual tension. I treasure my friendship with her. Lately, her roommate has been making overt sexual hints toward me. She all but says outright that the booty is there for the taking. I have not had sex this calendar year. I’m a healthy American male, and I’m really jonesing for some action. And here lies the rub: I think this might not sit well with Lindsey, even though we’ve never talked about it. I’m really torn. Friendship is important to me, but I’m way undersexed, and here’s this girl all but offering to take off her clothes every time I visit Lindsey. What should I do? —Need to Get Some
Unless Lindsey is as blind as a newly minted governor recently shoved into the spotlight, I guarantee she’s picked up on her roommate’s drooling when you walk through the door. I also guarantee, if they’re close enough to be sharing living space, that they’ve had a conversation about the Randy Roommie (RR) having the hots for you. That said, there are a couple of explanations for why Lindsay hasn’t mentioned it to you: 1) She’s worried that if she gives you the green light, she’ll be caught in the crossfire if, and probably when, the situation turns sour. (Which, sadly, is often the case when the genesis is based strictly on getting laid.) 2) Lindsey has the hots for you, too, and the prospect of passing your sweaty bod in the hallway right after you’ve bonked the RR is too much to bear.
On the other hand, perhaps Lindsey isn’t interested, has both your horny interests at heart and would be thrilled that two people she’s close to are enjoying getting really close to each other. But you’ll never know any of that until you have a conversation with her. At the very least, taking the initiative to hear her out puts you in the best possible, ahem, position by demonstrating that you value her friendship. If she’s cool with it, fantastic. (Though I’d advise inviting the RR to your place so you two horndogs can go at it with more than a few inches of plaster separating you from your friend.) However, if your suspicions are correct, then you have a decision to make. Personally, I wouldn’t feel good about knowingly harming a friend I claim to “treasure” just to break a sexless streak, but hey, you are a “healthy American male.” So, if you’re OK with the possibility of busting up a nine-year friendship over busting a nut, then all that’s left to do is the RR.
Recently I ran my first marathon, which was an amazing experience. I trained with an organization that raises money for cancer patients, which was really cool, too. Within the group were a lot of hot, classy women with high moral standing: altruistic types who also happen to be athletic, too. I’ve kept in touch on a friendly basis with a few of them, and I’d really like to get to know them on a romantic level. But it seems my reputation is getting in the way. I know some of it is deserved. For a while, I was guilty of sleeping with dumb chicks just for sex; you know the type, where the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. But most of the reputation comes from a persona I had on the radio for several years. I wasn’t in control of my image. I was at the mercy of the hosts of the show. So now that I’ve got my eye on some real catches, how do I go about rebranding myself? —Reformed, I Think
Stop kidding yourself that you joined a marathon training group to raise money for a good cause instead of your main goal: to meet women. Or, if you’d prefer to continue to kid yourself, stop pretending that other people—like the women you’ve been chasing—can’t see through your thinly veiled, hormone-fueled intentions.
Stop calling women “chicks,” even if they are of the brainless variety, in the presence of other women until you get to know them better and can determine whether they are OK with you referring to their gender as newborn poultry.
Start focusing more on your strong character traits of the present, like your sense of humor (your “wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead” reference made me almost fall out of my chair), instead of your less-than-admirable ones from the past (your tendency to fall into bed with bimbos).
Stop being so greedy. News flash: Women like to talk, and one of our favorite subjects is men—especially men we have in common (see letter above). If the women you’d like to get to know “on a romantic level” are at all friendly with each other, then you can bet they’re aware you’re after more than one of them. Which doesn’t do a lot to counter the reputation you’re trying to overcome. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.