Sunday, March 30, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Pop goes the weasel

Snooping in your lover’s stuff gets you nowhere, and the best proposals come to those who wait

By Blane Bachelor

Q I made a big mistake recently, and I’m freaking out. While my boyfriend was at work and I was home sick, I went through his things and stumbled upon an old backpack he keeps in the back of his closet. There was no reason for it except idle curiosity. But in the backpack was an old notebook of his. I think it’s from high school, since what I think I’ve discovered is that he had an affair with one of his teachers. The notebook was a diary of sorts—he’d make entries about their intimate affairs, calling her Ms. (insert name). I’m not positive she was his teacher, but she was definitely a teacher at his school. We’ve been together for two years, and he’s never mentioned this to me. I hate I found out this way, but now that I know, I want him to know that I know. But I know I violated his trust by going through his things, and I don’t want him to mistrust me. What should I do? —Snoop

A Hit the jackpot, didn’t you? Instead of uncovering a few innocent photos of old flames, you uncovered possible evidence of your boyfriend getting some really private tutorials from his teacher. If you really want him to know you know his juicy little secret, then try slipping on a skirt, buttoned-up shirt and glasses and whipping out a ruler to initiate sex.

But that would surely signal that you did invade your boyfriend’s privacy and—surprise, surprise—compromise his trust. Furthermore, what good would it do? What you found doesn’t prove anything (are you sure this notebook is his? How do you know it dates back to high school? Are you positive his possible paramour was a teacher?). Furthermore, if your boyfriend doesn’t show any disturbing emotional scars from this alleged inappropriate relationship (shaking uncontrollably at the sight of chalk, say), drop it. Just because you’ve been together for two years doesn’t mean he won’t divulge this secret one day.

One last note: When you intentionally go through someone’s stuff, you don’t “stumble upon” anything, like you tripped over a root walking along a forest trail. And there’s nothing “idle” about curiosity that leads you into the back of a closet, an old backpack and finally a makeshift diary. At least you came clean about what you were really doing—snooping—in your sign-off name. So next time the urge strikes (and, as a woman, I know it will, sister) consider this: Even as close as we might feel to another human being, it’s impossible to fully know them. And doesn’t that add a delicious twinge of intrigue to what can be—let’s face it—the monotony of monogamy? Chew on that as you keep the old backpacks zipped, the diaries shut and, as a result, the “big mistakes” at bay.

Everyone around me is engaged, and I’m pissed. I know this sounds whiny, but I think I have a right! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost six years, and he has yet to pop the question. My best friend just got proposed to, and she’s only been with her partner for four. Another close friend got engaged to her beau less than a year after being together. WTF? My boyfriend says he’s waiting until he graduates from college (he just returned after working in the “real” world for 10 years; he’s got two semesters to go). But he’s majoring in art, and I’m pretty sure he won’t be able to afford any better of a ring after graduation than what he can afford now. It’s not even about the ring! I’d help him pay for it if I could, but I know he’s too proud to accept that. I just want a ring—any ring—on my finger for all that it symbolizes, which is, most importantly, his pledge to spend the rest of his life with me. Suggestions? —Eager to be Engaged

Just a couple. First, stop comparing yourself to your friends; their circumstances have nothing to do with yours. Easier said than done, I know, since women love to do things in groups: go to the bathroom, get our nails done, get engaged. However, if they weren’t constantly shoving their bling in your face, would you still be this antsy? In other words, even though your boyfriend has given you a timeframe for his popping the question (assuming he won’t split semesters studying for a year in Paris), you’re raising a stink only now because everybody else is getting engaged and [insert foot stamping, arm crossing and pointing to your watch here] it’s time for you, too? If that’s the case, then here’s my second suggestion: chill the [bleep] out. If this is the first time in six years you’re “pissed” about not being engaged, your boyfriend is probably trying to digest your all-of-a-sudden impatience. (Maybe he’s even using his art skills to design a gorgeous, unique ring to surprise you with.) So, give the pissiness, whining and “isn’t Jennifer’s diamond stunning?” comments a rest, and—if you still need reassurance—have a non-accusatory, adult conversation about where he really thinks this relationship is headed. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.