Sunday, April 06, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Readers sound off

Your letters in response to Blane's responses to your letters

By Blane Bachelor

I got an e-mail from my brother the other day, wondering if I was worried I’d scare off readers because of “the way [I] blast them.” Not really, I told him, because the people who wrote last week’s letters needed a little blasting (not that my responses were really much of a blasting anyway), and I’d face more of a blasting from other readers if I was too soft. But my brother got me thinking that maybe I should be the one facing the criticism for a change. So this week my trusty editor and I decided to run a few letters from readers who weren’t exactly heaping on the praise about my handling of certain situations. For your reading pleasure, here they are, plus my rebuttals (hey, I never said I was relinquishing my soapbox; just sharing it).

(The real only advice I have this week? To advise some of you to look up both words.)

HARD UP FOR FRIENDSHIP

The guy who has a friend with the roomie who was making moves on him (March 23) was given awful advise [sic], I thought. From a man’s perspective at least, it’s tough to have a “friendship” with a woman. Seems to me this guy will miss out on the chance to use his charming personality to create attraction in “Lindsey,” the woman he is friends with. (Of course I could be wrong, and maybe the friend just isn’t attracted to him).
 
The point of contention I had about your advice was that he ask his friend about the roomie. He shouldn’t have to get permission or worry about how his friend feels about the coupling. If she’s really a friend and not being manipulative, she should be cool with it. One good thing: Find somewhere other than the ladies’ apartment to “date” in. Nice job there!

First of all, a nine-year friendship that has yet to blossom into something more likely never will. So the chances of this guy charming the pants off “Lindsey” are about as remote as Rosie O’Donnell giving birth to Donald Trump’s love child.

Second, I never said he had to “get permission.” I suggested he talk to “Lindsey” about how she feels about the situation. That accomplishes several key goals: It shows he truly “treasures” their friendship, it gives her a chance to air her concerns and it lets him make a case for himself. It also allows Lindsey a chance to be a good buddy in return by giving the go-ahead on these two getting busy. I am glad, though, that you agreed with me about moving their shag fest elsewhere—instead of suggesting, as some men likely would have, that Lindsey just join in.

LET’S GET TECHNO

In your 11-04-07 column, I was appalled to read your advise [sic] concerning the oh-so-poor girl that needed help figuring out what to do about an overly texting boyfriend. You gave the advise [sic] of “If the texts continue, send him one of your own” then telling the oh-so-poor girl to go ahead and drop Mr. technology like a bad case of ... well, whatever. It must be the sign o the time’s [sic] but to me it may be a little harsh to tell someone to drop their latest love interest because of some silly gadget!”

I did not tell her to drop him because of a “silly little gadget” but instead for his lack of respect about how she would like to be communicated with. Plus, I suggested first that she tell him how much his texting bothered her—a revolutionary concept in relationships called communication. But judging by the frustration she had with the texting—and his addiction to it—it was a deal breaker issue for her, just like smoking, narrow-mindedness or nose-picking can be for some people. That she discovered it just four months in is even more reason for her to drop her “latest love interest.”

As far as your repeated “oh-so-poor girl” references, I’m having trouble understanding the “woe is me” attitude you believe she’s conveying. What’s so pitiful about someone who knows her limits to troublesome behavior? But then again, considering that you signed off with “Hit me up on MySpace,” it becomes much clearer why you’re standing up for someone who thinks it’s acceptable to replace primary communication with technology.
 

DECLINING COUNSEL

I commented about a year ago how much I enjoyed your column and how good your writing was, and that the stories and insights were both so good. Sorry to say, I don’t like the advice format. It doesn’t do your talent justice in my opinion. Perhaps it’s an editor’s decision, but frankly I don’t think we need a hip version or Dr. Phil/Dr. Ruth; it’s boring. Sorry. Here’s hoping for something a little deeper.  

I’m really bummed to hear that. The change was actually my idea, because C. and I were getting more serious and I felt readers needed a new take on the single and relationship scene. Giving advice still covers some of that dating/relationship ground in a fresher way.
 
It’s been tricky at times, sure. Writing advice is much tougher than I imagined. You have to walk a fine line between not pissing people off, being funny and interesting and giving solid input—all within a tight word count. But overall I really enjoy it. And for what it’s worth, I’ve gotten pretty good feedback from some other readers.

(But I didn’t include any of it here. This week was all about the blasting.) SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.