Sunday, May 11, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Just keep your mouth shut

She tells me she was basically a lesbian in college and that she’s done a bunch of other stuff, too...

By Blane Bachelor

Q I’m a guy in my mid-30s. This is a situation I’ve come across several times now, and I need some insight into it. I met this girl, and although we haven’t been dating for very long, I’m already thinking about a future with her. So the other day we’re laying in bed, and we start talking. I start asking her about her past sexual experiences. I ask her what she’s done, and what she’d be open to. She tells me she was basically a lesbian in college and that she’s done a bunch of other stuff, too. My mind starts wondering off thinking this chick has done everything. And that’s something I don’t find attractive for someone I’m going to marry or be in a long-term relationship with. I think I’d rather have her lie. That’s what I’d do; I’d filter the truth. So how should I handle this situation? Should I stay with someone who I like a lot but has a questionable past? —Skeeved Out

A The obvious answer: Not if every time you look at your gal you can’t erase the thought of her in a compromising position with one of her sorority sisters. The obvious question that precedes it: If her responses to your third-degree inquiries into her sexual past skeeve you out, why do you ask them in the first place?

The expanded analysis on your situation: How much to disclose about one’s sexual past is one of those $64,000 questions in a budding relationship. In the early days of romance, two people coming together is a delicate balance of timing, chemistry and planetary alignment. Finding out even a tidbit of unsavory info from a paramour’s past—he stole lunch money from his kindergarten classmates; she voted for Bush twice—can easily send one running. My condensed opinion: You’re being judgmental as hell.

Look, you’re in your mid-30s, and assuming you’re not dating teenagers, it’s a pretty safe bet that most of the women in your eligible pool have racked up a few partners. What’s more, by asking them what sort of sexual stuff they’re “open to,” you’re implying that you’d like to veer a bit from the vanilla, too. So what kind of double-standard is it that, if a woman has dipped her toe (or finger or boob) into a broader sexual sea than you, you write off her long-term potential? I’m not saying you should brush off something as potentially significant as a lesbian past—some people think jumping gender boundaries is hot; for others, it’s a deal breaker. But you should think a little harder about this pattern of asking about a woman’s history, then condemning her for what you discover.

If none of this is sinking in, get thee to Blockbuster and rent “Chasing Amy.” This cinematic gem will serve as a timely reminder about the devastating consequences of excavating into another’s sexual past.

I’m a mid-30s single male in the ATL. I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months, and it’s taken a strange turn. Let me explain. We met on MySpace, and she’s a super-nice, cute and sweet girl. So once we ended up in the sack, and I asked her what would really get her excited. She was like, “Spank me,” and I said “OK” and did. It was awesome; we both really enjoyed it. Next time we were in the throes I asked her again, and she said, “Squeeze my throat,” and I felt a little weird but I said, “OK,” and just didn’t go beyond my comfort level. So the last time we were doing the deed, I stupidly asked her again, “What would really make you hot right now?” and she said, “Go get one of those knives out of that butcher block in the kitchen and hold it up to my throat while you have sex with me!” I’m like WTF? Needless to say, sharp objects in bed are not my thing, and I didn’t do it. So should I keep dating this girl or “cut it off”? —Not into Knives

Like I just asked the hypocritical hunk-o-burnin’ love above, why do you keep asking questions that bring about answers/actions you’re not quite ready for? If you were already skittish about the direction of things, why did you present the opportunity to escalate them instead of keeping your hands occupied choking or spanking her?

But this doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, champ. If you’re both willing to make a go of it, sit down (out of the bedroom and preferably out of view of any knives) and have a heart to heart about likes, dislikes and limits. Maybe she’ll be satisfied with the light BDSM you’ve already engaged in. Maybe you could eventually work up to something edgier. (Either way, unless you want to become a juicy storyline on the 11 o’clock news, remember that borderline-violence sex play can be deadly. I don’t have enough space in this column to give you all the necessary 411, but you need to thoroughly read up on it beforehand and talk, talk, talk to your partner.)

However, if the prospect of a woman who likes to trade her Mary Poppins umbrella for a blade in bed has already scared you limp, then perhaps you should, ahem, cut your losses and say (bloody) hell with it. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.