Sunday, June 01, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Summertime, and the livin’ is horny

Sex doesn’t happen like spontaneous combustion, and the simplest solution would have been to speak up long before your friend opened up her legs

By Blane Bachelor

Q This past weekend my girlfriend and I were at the beach with friends for the Memorial Day holiday. To conserve funds for additional booze and entertainment we had five of us sharing a two-bedroom condo with a pull-out couch. As luck would have it, while out one night we linked up with an old friend who was also vacationing down there. Later that night, after we were all settled in for a good night’s sleep, this uber-randy friend dragged her catch of the day back to our condo and proceeded to have graphic, gratuitous sex on the living room floor right next to my girlfriend and I (we were on the pull-out) without any restraint whatsoever – all the sounds, smells, dirty talk, moaning, the whole bit … a mere three feet away. It was beyond vile and the most uncomfortable experience of my entire life. Now that our gag reflexes have quelled, what advice can you give on how to address this situation to prevent it from ever happening again? —Scarred for Life

A I can think of several ways that anyone in your place could avoid having a front-row seat in the splash zone. Some are no-brainers—which is why it’s hard for me to believe none of them came to mind as these two horndogs were romping around. Were your wits so addled you couldn’t think clearly? Or, instead, were you thinking clearly enough to know this would make for a priceless story over pancakes after the carried-away couple left? Whatever the case, read on for ways you—and anyone else with a group vacation on the horizon—can proactively fend off such unwanted, up-close action.

1) Say something. Polite directness (“Could you guys take it elsewhere?”), humor ([Yawning loudly] “Hey, slapping skin doesn’t exactly lull one to sleep, you know”) and outright outrage (“If you want to $^%& get the $^%& out of here—this isn’t a $^%&ing frat house”) all would work well here. Sex doesn’t happen like spontaneous combustion, and the simplest solution would have been to speak up long before your friend opened up her legs.

2) Do something. Your options are endless, depending on how brave (and bombed) you might be. Take your pick: a) Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt that maybe she thought you were asleep, cough—or fart—loudly. b) For a bolder move, flip on the lights, or, more appropriately, the old boob tube. QVC or cartoons, in all their gentle G-ratedness, would have made a hilarious backdrop to the grunting in the foreground. c) Rate their moves and moans, “American Idol”-judge style, or practice your play-by-play skills: “Oooh, excellent positioning of the foot there from Romeo. Let’s see if he can take it home this time.”

And next time you run into this despicably inconsiderate “friend” out and about, tell her any floor space where you’re staying will cost her triple the rate of a no-tell motel.

I am my current girlfriend’s first man in nine years. She says she’s bi but was only with guys in the past to appease her parents and has been secretly making out with girls since junior high. She says she can't believe she is falling in love and definitely in lust with a man but she is. The sex is great but here's the thing: I can’t perform a certain act on her, and I know she wants me to. I'm no rookie but I’m kind of intimidated. How can I satisfy her the way countless women have before me? My friends (both sexes) say don't even bother because it will never be good enough and that my girlfriend is so kind she wouldn’t tell me the truth if it was or wasn’t satisfying. Do I try this, or should I just walk away? Either way, it feels like a risk. —Nervous but Not a Newbie

I can sympathize a little with your position. Kinda like making dinner for a friend who’s a food critic, huh?

However, it’s one thing to be intimidated and entirely another to let your ego kill your appetite for this kind of lovin’. If by “walk away” you mean you’re considering leaving over this, that’s an even bigger shame. You’re also giving your girl’s former lovers too much credit -- having the same equipment doesn’t necessarily mean you can work it properly. Finally, you’re letting your friends play on your insecurities—all of which is seriously working to muck up your mojo.

So enough with the worrying and whining and the “can’t,” and just get, um, down to business. Trust me, your gal will be thrilled you took the initiative. Later, perhaps while you’re cuddling, you can ask her more about her specific likes and dislikes; again, your commitment to pleasing her will send her over the moon (even if your technique itself didn’t. Which is highly unlikely, Thee of the Talented Tongue). Finally, about those the risks you perceive: Is it worth it to let what sounds like a good thing go south because you’re afraid to? SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.