Sunday, June 08, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Gal-on-gal grinding, gut checks and not-so-gay Paree
Blane Bachelor answers your relationship questions
By Blane Bachelor
Q My girlfriend and her best friend (girl) are obviously very close but I'm wondering exactly how close. When they drink, they are all over each other on the dance floor and although I have not seen them kiss I have my suspicions because of how close they get to each other when they speak/act when tipsy. They always talk about how hot the other one is but at the same time make smartass comments about each other behind each other's back. I've asked both of them about their seemingly sexual behavior toward each other and they play it off, or try to make me feel stupid. All I know is that I don't get drunk, get all up on my buddies and then get defensive when I'm asked questions. I don't feel threatened. But am I getting all worked up for nothing about this? I have a hard time believing the girl-on-girl straight dancing and grinding is simply dancing. —Gay Girfriend?
A It’s not simply dancing—it’s not-so-subtle begging for attention, and with your constant questioning and suspicions, you’re giving them exactly what they’re looking for.
Like so many other misguided souls out there in today’s celebrity-obsessed, pop culture get-wasted-land, your gal and her girlfriend are obviously strict devotees of the Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton brand of sophistication and class. My guess is that if you stifle a yawn next time they start up with the grinding and groping, they’ll drop the act faster than the aforementioned trio of trash drops their panties in front of the paparazzi. And why do I think it’s just an act? Because if there was really anything going on between them, they wouldn’t be secretly bad-mouthing each other.
I have a friend who I used to be really close to. We live far apart but would talk almost every day. But lately, I've been realizing that she's mostly just self-serving. Even if it seems like she's helping me out with something, she usually finds a way to turn it around to benefit her. To add to this, she's really successful, and I've been feeling some jealousy and resentment over her career. (We're in the same field.) I'm good at what I do, I feel really guilty about having these feelings, but I've been pulling away from her emotionally because I feel like the relationship has quit being healthy. Am I acting childish about all this, or is it OK for me to follow my gut here? —Cross-state Confusion
It’s always OK for you to follow your gut. In fact, I’d say an honest gut-check is usually the best measuring stick you can employ during a difficult decision or situation. If you honestly believe this friend is self-serving, you’re probably right. And the fact that you feel guilty about your feelings suggests that she’s quite the talented manipulator.
Onto your greener feelings, though. Jealousy—that wicked beast—is a component of many relationships, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve recognized and acknowledged yours, and if it’s not the overriding reason you feel like this friendship has become dysfunctional, you just might be able to use it to your benefit. After all, jealousy is all about wanting something we don’t have, right? So, in this case, if your friend’s career is closer to the one you’d like for yourself, use her success as motivation for yourself, instead of constantly measuring yourself against her.
The silver lining here: You live far from her. So you don’t have to worry about constantly coming up with an excuse to bail on your weekly chat over coffee or bumping into her in the produce aisle. In other words, let the physical distance help you achieve the emotional one.
I just returned from a business trip in France. I was only gone for one week, but being in a city as romantic as Paris, I was really missing my girlfriend. I called every night, sometimes she answered—sometimes the time change was incompatible. I didn’t worry about it, but was increasingly anxious to get home to my girl. She picked me up at the airport, and I couldn’t hide my excitement to see her. I ran over to embrace her getting out of the car, and she gave me the cheek. She gave me one of her arms around my back and her right cheek. What is that? At the very least a peck on the lips and a two-armed hug would have seemed appropriate. The drive home was banal small talk and phone message business. I was expecting to bring home some Parisian romance and instead got the secretarial airport pick-up. Does this sound like the beginning of the fade? —Brokenhearted Business Traveler
Unless she always exudes the warmth of an igloo, I’d say yes. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.