Sunday, July 06, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Crazy ladies and the men who love them

I’m ashamed to say it, but every time she calls me, I always allow myself to fall back into the same crippling cycle of abuse...

By Blane Bachelor

Q I’ve had a 10-year off-and-on relationship with a woman whom I’ve made repeated attempts to break away from. I’m ashamed to say it, but every time she calls me, I always allow myself to fall back into the same crippling cycle of abuse.

I won’t go into all the salty details of the relationship; I’ll just call it what others have: abusive. Yet, despite the presence of women who are interested—and much nicer—I continue to hang onto this loser’s game. However, after being told directly that I do nothing for her sexually, yet she continues to tease me non-stop, I’ve decided the few mental highpoints aren’t worth the constant heartache. In recent years, she has taken to using my status as a “permanent family friend” as a way to keep me around. I’m chastised for wanting to end things because I’m supposedly part of the family and you don’t turn your back on family.

She does not love me, nor is she interested in having any type of intimate relationship with me. However, she still wants to sleep and cuddle. Oh, another thing, I’m not allowed to touch her, and, if I bring up reconciling, I’m treated like a pervert.

I know it’s ridiculous, but I somehow feel I owe her family a bit of my time (they have helped me a great deal in some times of trouble). But I can no longer allow her to manhandle my heart. My question is this: Do I owe her family an explanation for when I decide to make this break, or should I just leave it alone and live my life? Give it to me straight. —Family Guy or Just a Fool?

A The only person you owe anything to is yourself. And what you owe yourself is a final exit from this messed-up relationship with this messed-up woman. She sounds nuttier than Amy Winehouse in a cashew factory—but even crazier is thinking you need to serve as her permanent whipping boy to repay her family for whatever they helped you through (combined with 10 years of this crap, you must’ve really had a rough go of it).

I’ll assume that, unless you’ve somehow managed to produce a child from a decade of cuddling, the family you’re accused of “abandoning” does not include kids with Crazy. So get the hell out now. I can’t give it to you any straighter than that. If you think you can do it on your own—if you can truly cut off contact with her and the fam—go for it. If not, please don’t feel ashamed about seeing a therapist, who should be able to help you figure out why you’ve allowed this mistreatment to go on for so long.

I’m 37, my wife is 21. We’ve been married a year, our child is 17 months old. She has a previous child we visit on weekends until we can get on our feet enough to attempt having him back.

I do love my wife, but I’m having some serious issues with her immature behavior. It doesn’t seem to matter how I approach her, she just farts around and doesn’t get her part done. The best example is she goes out on Friday night, and I’ll stay with the kid. She finally shows up about noon on Saturday with some excuse or the other.

I work, while she’s not been able to find a workable job 'til now. I’m also the cook (she can’t). So I think it’s fair to expect after feeding everyone in the morning that she should have the dishes done so I can cook later. She tells me she’ll do it and doesn’t.  She was improving on [cleaning] a bit until we got married, then all cleaning stopped.

I’ve tried explaining “get the work done, then read, or nap or whatever,” but she won’t, until I lose my temper and do it myself or storm out for the night at a friend’s. She does whatever she wants with an “it’ll be fine” until the situation blows up. I’ve pushed her to talk to a doctor, but she missed all the appointments. I cannot continue to tolerate this, but I don’t want to leave her and she knows it. How do I deal with a spoiled brat I can’t spank? —Frustrated Father

Why don’t you have a few beers with the guy from above and commiserate about the joys of a crazy partner? I don’t know who’s more Loony Tunes: these women or you two for choosing them.
I have a little more sympathy for Just a Fool, though, because at least he had the sense not to knock up or marry his crackpot. Isn’t your question really this: “How do I deal with the fact I tangled myself up for life, in one way or another, with someone barely out of her teens who has two kids and is still one herself?”

I can appreciate your frustration, but your strategy so far—constant demands and expectations, and ordering your wife to a doctor—is off the mark and likely being interpreted as controlling. If this marriage is going to work, it’s going to take a joint effort, and the obvious place to start is a couple’s counselor (most insurance covers at least part of the cost). Make an appointment immediately, for the sake of the two children (besides your wife) who, unfortunately, are involved. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.