Sunday, July 20, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Below the belt

A husband cheats on his pregnant wife, and a girlfriend’s being stingy with the sex

By Blane Bachelor

Q I’m six months pregnant. My husband travels a lot for work, and he came home from a trip to Thailand last week and told me, crying, that he had sex with a stripper while he was there. If it wasn’t for the baby, I would have left him in a second, but I don’t want the baby to grow up in a broken home. My husband is begging me to forgive him, and says he’ll go to counseling; he even wants us to go to church together. I am beyond devastated, angry and hurt. But part of me also feels like I might deserve this, because we both cheated on our previous spouses with each other, so maybe this is my punishment. I can’t stand the thought of looking at him or touching him when I think about what he did. What should I do? —Betrayed With Baby

A I know your mind must be spinning right now. But for the sake of your child, you must try your damndest to put aside all those nasty feelings of anger, contempt and guilt about your past until your bundle of joy arrives. For these last three months of pregnancy, you owe it to your unborn baby to provide as calm a womb as possible—i.e., one that has limited exposure to screaming and stress. Maybe that means visiting a therapist on your own to vent. Maybe it means a trial separation from your husband. Maybe it means putting him on full-time duty catering to your every whim, whether it’s a late-night ice cream run or a foot massage or even a hand to help you off the couch (and if the thought of him touching you still makes your skin crawl, tell him to put on a pair of gloves).

Speaking of gloves: Did he wear one with the stripper slut? If you do work things out, I’d sure as hell want proof that he didn’t bring back anything from Thailand besides a raging case of remorse and guilt.

I’m not going to even touch your comment about this being punishment for your past. I’ll save that for the therapist—who, clearly, you two need to see if you decide to work things out. But if that’s too upsetting right now, put it off until the baby arrives. In fact, since your body is a maelstrom of hormones right now, you might want to put off any major decisions until after the baby comes. Good luck, and please know that if I could climb through my computer and kick your hubby square in the nuts, I would.

My sex life sucks. It’s terrible. I’ve been in a committed relationship with the same woman for two years—we even live together. I love her with all my heart, and she loves me, too. I don’t doubt that. But something’s gone awry.

We have sex maybe six or seven times a year. When I flirt with her, she makes corny jokes, like, “What are you doing?” with an uncomfortable giggle. It’s like she’s not sure what to do with herself. But I reassure her all the time that she’s the hottest woman on the planet. When I’ve asked her where her sex drive has gone (because she had it in the beginning, trust me), she just shrugs. When I finally do get her to have sex with me, it’s either very good or half-assed because I feel like I guilted her into doing it.

She admits there could be something chemically off-balance with her body, but she won’t make an appointment with the doctor. She also comes from a highly religious family in which no one speaks about sex and certainly not problems with it. I understand that, but would she rather be single instead? I’m not saying I’ll leave because of this, but there’s an intimacy when two people make love that cannot be attained any other way. If we can’t have that more often, I don’t know how long I can take this. —Sex-Starved

The good news: You’re at least having sex, and—even better—you say sometimes it’s “very good.” The bad news: That still amounts to sex about once every two months, and you’re not even married.

What really caught my eye from your letter was your comment about the sex either being “very good” or “half-assed” because you guilted her into it. That’s a pretty wide spectrum, and so is the disconnect between your girlfriend’s current sex drive and when you started dating two years ago. You need to get to the bottom of both with a big, fat conversation about this whole thing. You’re flirting with her, praising her beauty and cajoling her into the sack—but are you really getting straight with her about how important this issue is to you? I have no idea if she’d rather be single than be a big girl and have an adult conversation about s-s-s-sex (ooh! ooh!) with her boyfriend, but have you put that possibility as bluntly to her?

You sound like a decent guy (or girl). She sounds like she was once as randy as you are. And your relationship sounds pretty solid otherwise. I think there’s enough here to get this fired up again. And if not, there are plenty of other horny chicks out there. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.