Sunday, July 27, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

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Welcoming a convict into your home and dealing with a new long-distance relationship


By Blane Bachelor

Q I was dating this great guy off and on for a year, and then he went to jail for some minor offenses. Now he is out of jail, and he called me and wants to move in with me. I kinda feel like he is just using me for a place to stay, but he says that he really cares about me and wants to be with me. Should I let him move in? —Jailbait

A Let me guess what he was in jail for—fleecing gullible seniors out of their retirement funds by promising them millions if they just sent a check for $3,000?

Look, I’m no clairvoyant, and I’m not saying that everybody who’s spent time in the clink is scarred forever. But let this guy move in with you right away, and you’re signing yourself up for an infinite sentence of worry, doubt and self-bashing. He says he really cares about you, but it sounds suspiciously convenient that he only started professing those feelings when the harsh reality of being homeless dawned on him. Your gut is dead-on here.

If you really want to pursue a future with this guy (and, in that case, I sincerely hope whatever offenses landed him behind bars truly are “minor”), don’t start by letting him walk all over you. If, and only if, he can get back to his feet on his own—which means a paying, legal job and a place to stay—and he’s still saying he “really cares about” you, then you’ve got something to work with. And if not, well, consider this sad statistic: Almost two-thirds of released inmates will be back in jail within three years.

I met a great guy a couple months ago, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. I’ve been trying not to rush things too much, but we have gotten fairly serious here lately. To complicate matters, he is moving away in a few short weeks. I’ve never done the long distance thing and have always been adamantly against it. I have friends who have tried and failed and others who have made it work. So after talking about it quite a bit, we have decided to give it a whirl. I am very nervous and anxious and have no idea what to expect. Any advice? —Soon-to-Be Long-Distance

Figures, doesn’t it, that as soon as you find someone, they’re shipped off to another city. Sorry to hear about that rotten luck.

You’ve got a head start here with your friends’ experiences. Ask them what worked for them, and what didn’t. As far as my two cents, a few tidbits: Set up parameters early. How often will you visit? How often will you talk? One study suggests that couples who didn’t set up rules like this broke up within six months. In addition, make sure your visits aren’t lopsided, where one person is constantly visiting the other. When you’re apart, lean on e-mail, texting and calls to stay in touch, but don’t make every conversation a deep, dramatic analysis of your relationship. Studies have shown that LDR couples who share the mundane details of their days are more connected. When you do visit, take some alone time if you need to—you don’t have to be joined at the hip. And be realistic about the big picture: You’ll be spending a lot of your money, and free weekends, on this relationship. Down the road, would you consider moving for him? What about vice versa? If this is a thought neither of you can fathom, you might want to cut your losses now.

Finally, for the real nitty gritty your friends probably didn’t cover: Pack plenty of lube when you visit. Certain areas can dry out pretty quickly when you’re trying to squeeze in Round 15 before your flight leaves. (If you’re straight, that is. If you’re gay, well, you already know about the importance of lubed-up surfaces.)

A note about last week’s response to the pregnant woman whose husband returned from a work trip to Thailand and confessed he’d slept with a stripper: I missed the boat on a couple of aspects to her dilemma. First of all, the woman said she was fearful of leaving her husband and having her baby grow up in a “broken home.” I should have made the point that there’s nothing “broken” about a household headed up by a single mother who made the decision to leave her husband. And certainly that scenario is more favorable than a child being exposed to the constant guilt, blame and finger-pointing of a couple unable to recover from the damage caused by an indiscretion—albeit a huge one—of one partner.

Second, some readers pointed out that the husband should get some credit for coming clean. Fair enough, but his timing was awful. Pregnancy is supposed to be a wonderfully exciting, hopeful time for parents-to-be. Instead, hers became overshadowed with shock—and flooded with unnecessary stress. Google “stress and pregnancy,” and you can read for days about the scary outcomes of that combo. Yeah, honesty is a biggie, but part of me still thinks he should have put his guilt on the back burner for three measly months to break the news in order to mitigate those dangers. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.