Sunday, August 17, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Early birds

How to handle first dates and when to get the hell out of a new relationship

By Blane Bachelor

Q I go on a lot of first dates, not too many second dates. Seems to be two kinds of guys in my world: 1. Guys I have no interest in who like me, and 2. Guys in whom I see some spark of amazingness who want to pursue who have zero interest in moi. But here’s a new one.

Last night I went on a first date with an educated and seemingly secure young man. Fine conversation over dinner. The check comes, and I get out my ATM card to split the bill. This young man goes on the defensive as if I had come into an interview without wearing a suit. He is genuinely shocked that I would want to split the bill. He elaborates that a gesture like that puts him in the just-friends zone. Ha! What’s up with a man not appreciating a financially stable woman not assuming she’s getting a free meal? I thought it would be refreshing. I must confess that I don’t have any romantic interest in him, after all. He also acted surprised when I hugged him after exiting the restaurant. Over-analyzer!

P.S. Of course, within the first five minutes, he told me he was going to Miami for vacation. And I asked him if he was going to come out of the closet while he was there. Where is my confident metrosexual guy?!—Seeking a Second Date

A If he witnessed any of the above, my guess is he’s cowering somewhere in the fetal position while chomping on his manicured nails in fright.

Do you begin all dates with a blatant inquisition of the dude’s sexuality? If so, you may as well cut off his sack and slap him in the face with it for the damage you’re inflicting on his ego. In fact, I give this guy props for not ending the date right there after a disparaging comment like that (before all you dear gay readers start twittering, the context of “disparaging” is the decision to accept a date with someone and then ask when he’s coming out, not one’s gayness itself, ummkay?). I’m not sure what kind of man, even the most confident of metrosexuals, could recover—or even want to try—from such a slam. And if you’re not romantically interested, why not save yourselves both the trouble and just decline the damn date?

I admire your sense of feminism, I really do, but if you want to start going on more second dates, you need to ease up on the “I-am-woman-hear-me-roar” ’tude. I’m all for being a confident, independent female, but give off enough “I don’t need you” vibes and guess what? Guys will pick up on them and say, “Well, I don’t need this crap.” Which leaves your confident, independent ass home alone, sadly categorizing them into the second group you noted above.

I recently met a delightful fellow relationship writer named Nancy Nichols, and she mentioned something I think women—especially the über-liberated among us—tend to forget: We should love men for being men. Which includes indulging their tendency to want to take care of us. Let them open the door and pick up the tab sometimes (especially on the first date). And at the very least, whether it’s reciprocated or not, be flattered about their interest—which isn’t communicated very well when you ask your date if he’s planning on banging the cabana boy in Miami. 

Hi. I’m a 22-year-old girl, about to be out of college this winter, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months. He’s four years older. I’m writing because I think he might have a problem with jealousy. I think it’s OK for a guy to be a little bit jealous, sometimes, because it shows he loves you. But some things have happened lately. My boyfriend won’t let me go out with my girlfriends because he’s afraid we’ll meet other guys. He just says, “I don’t like other guys checking you out. I don’t like you being tempted.” Even at places like restaurants, he accuses me of flirting with other men.

And he doesn’t want me to have any guy friendships. I don’t have a lot anyway. However, there’s one guy my age who has been close friends with my family for a long time (our families are good friends, too). He’s so nice and harmless, and I don’t want to give him up just because my boyfriend says so. I really love my boyfriend, but I’m starting to feel controlled. What’s worse: It’s OK if he goes to bars with his friends, and I know he has women who are friends. What should I do? How much jealousy is OK?—Undeserving of Suspicion

Here’s what you do: Run, not walk, away from this insecure, potentially abusive wack job. This guy is trouble, and you need to extract yourself immediately from his slimy tentacles before this situation gets any worse. News flash for your dude: Unless he locks you in a storage unit, you’ll be “tempted” by other guys every day: co-workers, the McDonald’s cashier, the mailman. This behavior is not that of a stable human being.

Don’t believe me? I’d like to put you in touch with a friend of a dear friend. This poor woman now fears for her safety and that of her young son because of her soon-to-be-ex husband, whose abuse started out eerily similar to what you describe: unwarranted jealousy and attempts at control. A year or five down the road, do you want to look at this time in your life—about to take on the world as a college graduate—as an exciting beginning or a terrifying beginning of the end? SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.