Sunday, August 31, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Soul searching

Understanding a deep connection with an ex, and leaving perpetually single friends alone

By Blane Bachelor

Q What is your opinion on soul mates? Do you believe we’re destined to be with one person and one person only? I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I’m not sure I would consider him my soul mate. Rather, my ex from five years ago would probably be that person—if anyone would. I’m not in love with my ex, nor do I see him or talk to him now. Things ended abruptly on my end when I had let our breakup last for more than a year (absolute torment), and then I met my new guy, and dropped my ex quickly. He wasn’t right for me because he had some growing up to do (maybe we both did), but I feel very connected to him still … on a non-earthly level, if that makes sense. I’m not going to leave my current man, but I want to know if there’s something wrong with me considering an ex my one and only soul mate?—Soul Searching

A We have the ancient Greeks to thank for some cool stuff: the Parthenon, the Olympics, toga parties. Unfortunately, the Greeks are also responsible for some not-so-cool stuff, like myths that still seem to have a stranglehold on rational thinking.

Greek philosopher Plato wrote in his “Symposium,” perhaps the most famous of his dialogues, that the first humans were strange creatures with four arms, four legs and two faces who scampered around the planet like they owned the place. This pissed off the ever-pissy Zeus, who had them split in two to reduce their power. So Zeus, in a rare non-pissy moment, took pity on the pathetic split pairs and created intercourse as a way to ease the pain of their separation, and thus making one whole.

For the rest of eternity, the story goes, these halves will be forever searching for each other. And a few thousand years later, “soul mate” becomes a buzzword hyped up by the Hallmark Channel and books like “The Bridges of Madison County,” causing thousands of women to question otherwise solid relationships in a frenzied quest for what? A silly myth.

Which is exactly my opinion of all this soul mate hooey (note my refusal to make “soul mates” into one word). This is not to say I don’t believe in some of the elements wrapped up in the concept: timing, people complementing each other, passion. But the whole part about being “destined to be with one person and one person only”? Nah. That’s a pretty exhausting—and intimidating—prospect, what with some 6.7 billion people running around Earth.

As far as whether I think there’s something wrong with you for thinking your ex is your “one and only” soul mate, well … not so much wrong, but misguided. You say you’re not in love with him, that you love your current guy with all your heart, so what gives with all this soul mate speculation? Seems like a colossal waste of time, not to mention a great way to sabotage your current relationship. If you want to connect with your boyfriend on a non-earthly level, then attend a UFO convention together or something—whatever it takes to create the intimacy it sounds like you’re missing. And if you don’t think your current boyfriend is your soul mate, who’s to say the real one isn’t still out there? If you’re one to believe in the myth of soul mates, that is.

Is there a way to tactfully ask a longtime friend why they’re still a bachelor? People generally assume they’re gay or just “haven’t found the right girl.” —Don’t Want to Be Rude

So, you’re asking a Bachelor what to ask a bachelor. Har har!

Two summers ago, when I was writing my “On Being a Bachelor” column, I visited a good friend in Los Angeles, and wrote a piece about how I finally understood why she was still single—because every guy we met that weekend was a total douche. I thought the column was totally funny and insightful. My friend thought it was a total insult. Your question is essentially the same, so I can say from experience one way you shouldn’t ask is by writing a column. Beyond that, methinks since you have some history, your friend probably would have brought the situation up if he was bothered by it. So it sounds like you’re more interested in satisfying your own curiosity than anything else.

And that curiosity probably stems from the fact that your friend is—let me guess—a great guy who would make some woman very happy, or something along those lines, right? Well, there are plenty of other great guys out there—and great women, too—who truly haven’t found the right person yet. Or are gay and haven’t come out yet. Or choose to be single. Which makes it 1. tough to figure out how to categorize them in a society that likes its people nicely paired, and 2. endlessly exasperating for those people who aren’t nicely paired and face nonstop “Why are you still single?” questioning from those who are.

I don’t have a tactful way to ask why your friend is still a bachelor, but I do have a much better question for you to pose to your friend: Are you happy? SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.