Sunday, September 07, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Wedding crashers


When unmarried friends aren’t allowed to bring guests to the big day

By Blane Bachelor

Q Why do people getting married immediately forget how crappy it is to go to a wedding alone? So my friend C. is getting married next month. It’s a destination wedding. Although I’ve been dating someone seriously for almost a year, I was invited solo. That was surprising, and a little hurtful, since I’ve been friends with the groom, C., for 15 years and his fiancee since they’ve been together, but I figured they only invited married couples. Still crappy, in my opinion, especially since it’s a destination wedding. Well, then I’m talking to R., another friend who’s invited, about sharing a hotel room because this m-f-ing wedding is going to cost me $250 for airfare and another $200 a night for the hotel (minimum two-night stay, plus gift). So, I tell R. I was disappointed they didn’t invite guests of non-married couples ... until R. tells me they invited her with a guy she was dating for less than a year, who she’s no longer with!

I have to back up a little—C. and his fiancee knew R.’s now-ex—they had never met my boyfriend, who lives out of town. But still. Blane, you know holy hell would break if I invited someone to my wedding but not their spouse. Why is it not the same inversely? 
 
I don’t want to say anything, because I don’t want to add to the typical drama that goes with every wedding on the planet and my friendship with C. is too important to risk tension. But I hope others reading this don’t make the same mistake when planning their invite list. 
 
I guess what I’m most pissed off about is this—I’m single and in my 30s. Going to weddings is depressing (and expensive) enough, and going alone is downright painful. I understand people can’t invite everyone. I know this rant is founded on hurt feelings because I have known C. for so long and R., who only met him a few years ago through me, was invited with a guest. But it did bring out the angst in having to shell out hundreds and thousands of dollars to support the weddings, bachelorette parties, engagement showers, baby showers, hotels, gifts, etc. —Wedding Woes

A Sister, you have come to the right place for sympathy, because if there’s anyone who believes there should be an official holiday in support of singles, where everyone whose marital and baby bliss we’ve celebrated by attending the requisite parade of showers, parties and receptions—always smiling, always bearing gifts—throws us a massive shindig complete with presents, cake and toasts to our singledom, it’s certainly me. I am all over your dilemma like white on rice—the kind you’re probably thinking about pegging at the happy couple (and aiming for the eyes).

But, since this is as much about etiquette as opinion, I consulted Sue Winner, a dynamo bridal consultant here in Atlanta, for the expert’s take. “If this person is not engaged or married, and the groom doesn’t know [the boyfriend], why should the groom spend his hard-earned money to entertain this guy?” Winner asks.

“But,” you sputter, smoke billowing from your ears—“we’ve been seriously dating for a year!” In which case, Winner says, you’re seriously entitled to call up your friend C. and explain that. After all, the couple didn’t even know about your friend R.’s breakup, so it’s no surprise they’re unaware you and your dude are pretty tight.

And speaking of tight, budgets for destination weddings are even more so. Because the couple doesn’t know your guy, he’s an easy cut. Don’t take it personally, and take solace in the fact that R. will be flying solo, too, because she’s no longer with the guy named on her invite.

But just as the couple gets final say on who’s invited, you get final say on your attendance. Winner advises: “They have to be a very close friend for you to spend that kind of money. Then you don’t look at it as how much you’re spending—you look at it as you want to share in their moment.”
My take? If they don’t even know how serious you and your boyfriend are, and you’re more worried about the cash than celebrating with them, maybe you should gracefully decline. (And why not spend the money you would have shelled out on them on yourself instead?)

I’m running your letter almost in its entirety as a gentle reminder for the soon-to-be-marrieds: Your single guests will probably remember your wedding as the lovely experience you want it to be for everyone if we’re just given the option of bringing a significant other, if we have one. This isn’t to say everyone will—weddings can be great places to meet people—and it’s not to say you need to address every singleton’s invite with “and Guest,” which would skyrocket costs. But just because we don’t have a ring on our finger like you doesn’t mean we should be an automatic target for cutting the budget and rounding out the seating arrangements. If you’re looking to save money, consider scrimping elsewhere—nobody is going to give a rat’s ass a year later that your flowers were imported straight from Colombia. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.