Sunday, September 14, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
The numbers and nationalities game
I'm 27. I was born in Mexico but I’ve lived here my entire life. My friends always make fun of my American (white) girlfriend and say she really does not love me, but only likes being around me becaus...
By Blane Bachelor
Q I went on several dates with a great guy 12 years younger than me. Truth be told, most people think I'm much younger than I am, and he pursued me. Both of us are older than 30, and he knew my age before we ever met. Our dates have been amazing. We have a noteworthy intellectual connection, as well as, um, a rather intense bonding of the physical kind. This kind of thing doesn't happen every day. On every level, it was a pretty magical thing for both of us.
So I was a little surprised when he suddenly said, "I didn't realize I would like you so much already. But the age thing is a problem for me." I interpreted that as he didn't want to continue our relationship, which made me a little sad, but it's not like my age is something I can change like a light bulb. So I told him I thought he was great, and I was sorry he was troubled by my age. Then I carried on with the fab life that is mine, without any expectations I'd hear from him again. After a week of complete silence, he sent me a text message that said, "I miss ya."
WTF? Did I jump to the wrong conclusion when I assumed he was telling me my age was a deal-breaker? Or is this some kind of bizarre Gen-X technique of putting the nail in the coffin? Please advise, as I have no idea how to respond or even if I should. —Older, Maybe Not Wiser?
A Leaving you hanging, clamming up over a serious topic and sending cryptic messages? Not so much Gen-X techniques but age-old male behaviors that will continue to elude, irritate and intrigue women for the rest of eternity, I’m sure.
But good grief, has texting added a whole new level of douchebaggery to dating! His in particular may have said “I miss ya,” but here’s what you can interpret: “I may miss ya, but I can’t be bothered to actually dial your number to tell you. So—eureka!—I’ll just send a text to leave the door open in case I change my mind about this age difference deal. Or in case I want some late-night booty. Or something. Whatever.”
Bottom line: This dude doesn’t know what he wants, but what he obviously doesn’t want is to move ahead right now with someone 12 years older. Maybe he wants kids, and you’re past that stage. Maybe you already have them, and he’s freaking over the prospect of becoming their pop one day. Maybe his feelings really have thrown him for a loop. Whatever the case, all you have to work with is the fact that your age is an issue for him, and that he couldn’t—or wouldn’t—provide any more info to go on.
So forget about that silly text. And if he sends another—which he just might—you’ll hopefully be too distracted by your fab life to even care.
I'm 27. I was born in Mexico but I’ve lived here my entire life. My friends always make fun of my American (white) girlfriend and say she really does not love me, but only likes being around me because her parents don't like me and I'm taboo. They point out that she likes to brag about dating a Spanish speaker when I'm not around and always makes a point of saying how her boyfriend is "a real Mexican." She even speaks English with a Spanish accent sometimes to me (weird) and is always asking me very specific questions like I'm some Mexican encyclopedia. Am I just a novelty? Is she going through a Mexican/Latin phase? Her last boyfriend was an African-American guy. —Gone Gringa
If you two break up and she makes her way through an Asian, an Italian and then a Frenchie, then, yeah, sounds like you’re the current hot tamale on the table in your girlfriend’s cultural boy buffet.
Can’t say I blame her entirely, though. After all, yours truly at one point dated a Cuban-American, an Italian and a Brazilian, and I loved that they were from exotic places with backgrounds different than mine. (And you can’t beat hearing sweet nothings whispered in a sexy language. Yowsah.)
But there’s a world of difference between loving someone’s heritage and loving them solely because of it. Your girlfriend sounds like she falls into the latter category or has some serious cultural envy. (In which case, why not tell her she’s Mexican by injection, if you catch my drift?)
Your friends are onto something—sounds like your chica’s M.O. is rebelling against the ’rents, and what better way than dating a “real Mexican” (whatever that means), right? You haven’t said much about other aspects of your relationship, but this one is bothering you so much that you wrote to me instead of talking to her. Which should be your next move: Explain that you love that she appreciates your heritage, but this nonsense of bragging and speaking with a Spanish accent is making her look like an idiota gigante, and you wonder if she really loves you for who you are. If that doesn’t work, and she keeps parading you around like her pet Chihuahua, then it’s adios.
SPFreelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.