Sunday, September 21, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Casual sex

Is it possible to be cheated on before you’re an official item, and how’s a newly single gal with conservative values supposed to date in this town?

By Blane Bachelor

Q I've been dating a fabulous man for about a year. It’s long distance, but we make it work. We visit often, and we talk and chat throughout the day. I know we have about as good a relationship as I could ever want or hope for. But I have a problem. A few months after we first started dating, but before we were exclusive, he slept with his ex-girlfriend. (I think she was in his town to visit some of their mutual friends, but I’m not sure of all the details. During that time, I wasn’t seeing anyone else, though.)

When I found out about it about three months ago (through a mutual friend, but my man confirmed it), I was so upset, I told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with him anymore. So we broke up for a day or so, but I took him back. Since then, it’s put a major strain on our relationship. I felt like he wronged me and then tried to hide it. But he doesn’t seem to think it was a big deal, since we weren’t exclusive. And I don’t feel like I can really trust him, even though he says I have no reason not to. I will admit he’s not even friends with his ex anymore, because it bothers me so much.

Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset about this? I really love him and I think we have a great future together, but I’m not sure how to get past this.—I Love Him, But...

A You get past it by realizing that your behavior is bordering on psycho and that if you keep it up, you can count on your dude keeping his distance for good. And if you don’t believe me, reread your fifth sentence: “I have a problem.”  

You need a quick review of two important prepositions: before and after. The source of your angst happened before you were exclusive. That means you don’t get much say in what—or who—he’s doing. (And just because you weren’t taking advantage of your freedom doesn’t mean you can condemn him for using his.) This would all be a different story if the so-called dirty deed happened after you were a confirmed item. But that wasn’t the case, and in addition to putting up with your ridiculous behavior, your bf is reassuring you and cutting off ties with the ex—in general, going way beyond the call of duty for a perceived wrongdoing.

So ask yourself this: Would you rather knock off this nonsense now, before you sabotage a great relationship, or after this guy—and likely the ones to follow—dumps your insecure ass?

I enjoy reading your column and hope you can offer me some advice.

I’ve been divorced for more than a year from my high school sweetheart. Jason and I were married for almost 20 years, and he is the only man I have been with sexually. I have a great group of friends, and my social life is full. They have introduced me to some guys that I have gone out with on several dates. The problem is I have a hard time when it comes to having sex casually. I was raised in a very conservative Southern family—my parents were with each other (and still are) since they married and have never had another sexual partner. When Jason and I were married, sex was never an issue—I was always eager and ready. I’ve really enjoyed my dates with some of the guys I have been out with, but after a while I think they want more, and it is hard for me to have casual sex. I feel I should have some sort of commitment before I go all the way.

Am I holding on to my values too tightly? This is a tough situation. I would appreciate your opinion. —Not So Casual

My opinion doesn’t matter much here. Your values are your values, and you have every right to hold on to them as tightly as you want—as tightly as you’re crossing your legs, in fact. If you’re not into casual sex, so be it. Don’t let well-meaning friends or horned-up guys or celebrity pubs broadcasting all the bed-hopping that goes on in Hollywood these days sway you into doing something that doesn’t feel right.

I don’t have to tell you that reentering the dating world after a long-term commitment is in itself tough. Beyond that, the sexual landscape has experienced a sea of changes in the last two decades, what with “Sex and the City,” Viagra and the terms “cougar” and “sugar daddy” entering everyday parlance. Combine that with your divorce (which likely has you refocusing on yourself for the first time in a while), and it’s no wonder you’re confused about where your beliefs fit in a society more sexed up than ever before.

This is a topic you’ll have to, ahem, feel out at some point with the man—or men—you’re dating, and you should be prepared that some will probably bail out if you’re not ready to put out. And that’s fine—this dating thing is going to take some practice. Finally, I commend you on your positive attitude and for getting back in the saddle instead of sending me one of those woe-is-me, will-I-ever-find-love-again letters. Good luck, have fun and have faith in yourself. SP

Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.