Sunday, September 28, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Bridge to nowhere

Outing your friend’s kid and cheating online

By Blane Bachelor

Q I would like your advice on a situation that has concerned me for a while and I don't know what to do. A friend of mine since college, Susan, has a son, Wayne, who is in his early 20s. I have felt for many years that Wayne was gay. Last weekend, my husband and I met Susan, her husband, and Wayne for a college football game (we live in different states). At a party after the game, I went out to our car to get something and saw Wayne kissing another guy (the son of one of the couples at the party) in the parking lot. I walked right back into the party like I didn’t see a thing.

I know Susan has no idea Wayne is gay because she keeps telling me she would love to see him meet a girl and start a relationship. To my knowledge, he has never been in a relationship and this should certainly raise a red flag. Susan had an older brother who was gay, and she never knew it until after he had died and she met his partner. So I don’t think she’d have a problem with the fact that her son is very likely gay, but I honestly think that she has no idea.

So, Blane, is it my place to confront Susan with what I am sure is a fact, that Wayne is gay? We are very close friends and I have almost discussed this with her before, but now that I am sure that Wayne is gay I feel as if I am obligated to tell her.—Disturbed

A Leave this one in the family. Furthermore, leave it to Wayne. As my good friend M., who happens to be gay and, not surprisingly, has strong opinions about how such matters should be handled, says: “You have to be careful when you start messing with someone’s life. Coming out is nobody’s decision but that person’s. It takes time and courage, and it’s not easy. Even in 2008 it’s not easy.”

But maybe you could make it just a tad easier for Wayne by letting him know, either in person or via e-mail, what you saw—and, more important, that you won’t out him. That no matter what happens, you’re absolutely sure his mother will always love him. Of course, this all depends on your relationship with him. And if you do speak up, Wayne could very well pretend not to know what you’re talking about. But maybe—ideally—it will clue him in that he’s not doomed for a future of rejection and shame if he comes out. At the very least, he’ll know that if he wants to keep this a secret, he should refrain from swapping spit with dudes in the proximity of his parents.

As far as your friend, her track record suggests she can’t see the forest for all the gays. So to try to help her, next time she talks about wanting Wayne to “meet a girl and start a relationship,” ask—gently—how she would feel if he were to meet a guy and start a relationship. Maybe she’s too close to the situation to have clarity. Perhaps she’s not sure how you’ll react. By opening the door to a nonjudgmental, supportive conversation, you’ll let her know you’re cool with this. Which I sincerely hope you are, and that you meant to write “Confused” instead of “Disturbed” as your signoff.

I am a 28-year-old woman who has been living with her 24-year-old boyfriend for the past three years. Our relationship is very stable and loving, and we laugh a lot together. We share similar interests, which gives us lots of quality time together.

Our trouble stems from the marriage issue. He’s not ready for it now and doesn’t know if he ever will be. Or have kids, either. I desperately want both. It’s caused many arguments but we usually work them out, mostly by agreeing to disagree.

My guy has been working a lot lately and I’ve recently taken to chatting on the Internet. I never was into this before, but boy, have I gotten addicted! I’ve been chatting with someone I met in an interest group, and it’s grown into something somewhat flirty. We shared our photos (we both approved!), and we’ve spoken twice (briefly) on the phone. I’m starting to develop real feelings for him, and I believe he feels the same w. I think about him often, but I feel bad because I’m still with my boyfriend.

I don’t know what to do. I’m happy with my boyfriend, but I want the real deal, and I’m afraid he can’t provide that. So I can’t help but think my chat buddy would. He’s not pushing me at all, but I know he’s curious. I am too. Any advice?—Online Adulteress

Yep. Dump the real boyfriend and chill out with the chatting, Cyberella. Your boyfriend is clearly not ready for the commitment you are, and a few online chats hardly present a case for your online buddy whisking you away to happily ever after. So put the mouse down and take some time—alone—to process things before prematurely clicking your way to the altar. If it’s meant to be, your chat buddy will still be online when you sign on again. SP

Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.