Sunday, October 05, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Share the wealth

How many ladies can one girl handle, and who should get whose name in a new marriage?

Q Do you think it’s possible to be in love with someone, but start having feelings for someone else?

A friend and I have been chatting about this subject. I have been in this situation; however, after time passed, I realized that I wasn’t really happy in my current relationship and was looking for an excuse instead of the truth. My friend is experiencing this now. She  thinks she feels equally about both women. When one woman is not available, she is with the other. Sidebar: One woman knows about the other woman but not visa versa (the recently new one). I bluntly told my friend that she’s selfish. She may feel that way; however, she is not being fair to either of them. Eventually her merry-go-round will end, and not with a happy ending. 

I have walked in her shoes, but it took a lot for me to come to terms with my mistakes. Is it possible for others to be so lovable and be able to share it with more than one person?—Theorizing on the L-word

A Hugh Hefner, the stars of pseudo-reality shows like “The Bachelor” and “Rock of Love” and polygamists have all carved out a niche sharing their love—or, at least, their idea of love—with more than one person. So the latter half of your last question is not only a possibility, it’s a reality.

As is being in love—or thinking you are—with someone and starting to have feelings for someone else, which was your initial question. It happens every day—but the question of what to do about it can only be addressed by the person in the relationship, not a well-meaning outsider.

Look, good for you for acknowledging your screw-ups and trying to help a friend from making the same ones. But these are her shoes and her situation, and no amount of accusations of selfishness and unfairness is likely to coax her from the love triangle she’s orchestrated. She’s clearly loving the attention. I’m sure she’ll keep using whatever rationale she’s presenting—to herself, her lovers and you—until someone gets fed up and bails. But for now, she’s having her, um, pie and eating it, too.

So, what should you do—which, really, is your question, isn’t it? Nothing, except to watch the drama unfold and count on more “chatting” about love. Or not. You don’t support what your friend is doing, and you’ve told her so. So it’s perfectly within your right to get off the merry-go-round before it turns into a free-fall, if that’s where you think it’s headed.

I’m a 46-year-old man, divorced with three children. I’m in a satisfying relationship with an incredible woman whom I hope to marry one of these days. We’ve been together for nearly three years. Additionally, we’ve both been divorced for more than six (this would be her third marriage; my second).

So here’s the problem: When the topic of marriage gets brought up, we start arguing about last names. Each of her two children has separate last names. Adding to the confusion is that I have two children, too, who have my last name. She’s worried that having different last names for her and my children would be really confusing for all the kids, make hers feel left out, and create a lot of tension in our new shared household.

She’s not sure she wants to go through the trouble of changing her last name again. But it’s a big deal to me—I guess I’m old-fashioned that way. Is there an amicable way to solve this?—Going Nuts Over Names

Uh, the stock market has turned to absolute excrement, you need five hours just to fill up your gas tank in Atlanta (if you can find gas, that is), and you’re worried about a little temporary confusion over surnames? I guess if that’s the biggest of your concerns as you build a future together, you should consider yourselves lucky.

I know this is a tense subject with heated debates and cases to be made for both sides, but if you don’t act like this is a big deal, your kids won’t, either. What that means first and foremost is nix the arguing, especially in front of them.

If you’re really concerned about what they think and how they’ll be affected, why not just ask them? At the very least, those good ol’ family (or family-to-be) meetings go a long way toward making everyone feel their voice is heard. And my guess is, considering the multitude of mixed families out there today, the young-uns won’t blink an eye about having sibs with different surnames, if that’s the direction you decide to go.

Finally, if your last name is something painful like “Weiner” or “Scrump,” please have mercy on your soon-to-be-inherited kids—and wife—and drop the issue immediately. You’ll start off this new household with a sparkling dose of goodwill for sparing them a future of ridicule. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.