Sunday, October 26, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Spanking and stalking

What not to do

By Blane Bachelor

Q I have been crazy about this girl for years, but she always had a boyfriend, so it never got farther than a little flirting. Eventually she moved, but I never gave up that one day we could give it a go. So when we both were invited to a friend’s wedding, I was already thinking this might be a good chance to make a move on her. I did some checking up and found out she was single, so I was ready to roll out my best game.

The wedding was great. At the reception, we continued our conversations, and she was definitely receptive to my flirting. As the night progressed, we progressed into drunk dirty dancing and making out on the dance floor. At last call, I asked her if she wanted to have our last drink on the balcony of my room (my view was amazing). So the minute we got into the room, she attacked me. We were just about to get busy when I spanked her on the ass, not hard but a good spank. Not really sure why I did it. In my mind, it was playful, but she jumped off the bed, grabbed her clothes and ran into the bathroom. She got dressed right away and ran out of the room. I had no idea what to do. I did say I was sorry about a hundred times and told her I was just playing around, that I am not into S&M. But she just took off, so my question is: What do I do now? I really like her, and I waited all this time just to get a chance with her, and now she thinks I like to hit women. I thought about why I did it and maybe it was a territory thing. Hell, I am a guy and I was drunk, don’t I get a break here?—Wedding Spanks

A I doubt it, Spanky—and if you meant that she was your “territory” just because she was in your bed, I don’t think you deserve one. And if you’re justifying your actions because of your drunkenness and your gender, that’s even worse.

On the (very miniscule) bright side, it’s unlikely this girl thinks you like to hit women. But there’s no doubt she thinks you crossed the line. Of course, there are plenty of women out there who would relish a good smack on the arse the first time they get down to business with someone new—and they’re not afraid to make that known. But there are plenty more who think that spanking should come down the road, when you’ve built more trust and intimacy.

If you’re still determined to give it a shot with this girl, your best bet at this point is some serious groveling: Send flowers or, at the very least, an e-mail apologizing again. But I suspect the damage is already done. So focus on the lesson learned: Next time around, hold off on being so slap-happy the first time you slip into the sack with a new paramour.

I ended a relationship with someone more than two years ago. For the majority of our time apart, we have had very little conversation. An occasional e-mail here and there, but nothing major. I respect the relationship for what it was, but our timing was off so it just didn't work out. Recently, he has been trying to hang out for drinks and the like. I've complied a few times as a friend just to meet up here and there, but it never seems to be enough. There is always another invite or follow-up to do something more. How do you politely tell someone that you are OK with an occasional e-mail or friendly wave, but not into frequent face-to-face time? I don't want to be called a complicated order!—Don’t Want to Be Friends With an Ex

How about this: Next time your ex suggests a drink, casually mention you’re busy with your new love interest—a former American Gladiator who has an insanely jealous streak and who, since getting kicked off the show after an “accident” that left an opponent in the ER, has developed a keen interest in knives. That oughta shut those invites down, stat.

Don’t have a new love interest who fits that description? Let’s scale it down to something closer to reality, then. Next time an invitation pops up from your overeager ex (who might be trying to use friendship as a guise to get back with you, by the way), tell him you appreciate the offer, but you’ve already got plans. If he pressures you for another time, say you’re so sorry, but your schedule is so crazy right now you don’t have much time for anything. Repeat as necessary until he gets the hint and stops inviting you.

And if you’re worried about being called a complicated order (whatever that means), then just tell your ex outright that there was a reason you broke up in the first place and you already have enough friends in your life. He’ll probably call you a number of things, and I guarantee you “complicated order” won’t be one of them. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.