Sunday, October 26, 2008
Quick, News, Politics, Q&A

Politicking with Frank N. Stein

A Quick Q&A

Unless you’ve spent the last two years living under a rock, or chained up in a moldy dungeon, you’re pretty familiar with the two major candidates for the Nov. 4 presidential election. But how much do you know about Franklin “Frank” N. Stein, running for president on the Haunted House Association ticket? Running on a platform that includes brain transplants and tighter control of angry villagers, Stein can be found most nights at Atlanta’s Netherworld, consistently voted one of the nation’s best haunted houses. (A dozen other haunted houses across the country are also actively stumping for him, and of course there’s a Web site, www.hauntedhouseassociation.org/frank_for_president, with videos, a blog and more.)

Just in time for our Election Guide, The Sunday Paper caught up with Stein to discuss his candidacy, the issues and the importance of picking the right running mate.—Anne Lee Dabney

Q Why did you decide to enter the presidential race?
A As a representative of the Haunted House Association, I wanted to bring my expertise in power, knowledge and scaring people to the 2008 political platform. These characteristics allow me to handle the tougher issues America faces today better than any human ever could.

What are your qualifications?
Over 200 pounds of me truly represents every citizen, as I was made from the United States, literally and figuratively.

What's the most important issue of your platform? Fuel? Finance? Education?
Well, that would be me—I am the most important thing standing on my platform. Just kidding. All of the issues are important, and are currently handled completely wrong. Education is a waste. We should just do brain transplants—worked for me! Offshore drilling is archaic; I can harness the power of lightning and teach Americans the immense benefits of this alternate energy source. But if I had to choose the most important issue, without a doubt it is the need to promote the visitation of haunted houses. Everyone needs to scream now, at monsters or gas prices. You work in print—you must need to let some screams out.

Is it hard to connect with voters when people start screaming and running away whenever you appear?
Not really. I have long legs and can usually catch them. I’m intelligent and amazingly handsome; what else is there? I also think it’s admirable that I don’t spend excessive money to maintain my Stein style.

What about foreign opinion of the U.S.? America already seems a bit scary to the rest of the world right now.
Listen, other presidents have been paper tigers. I can scare people into doing what I want better than the rest of them, but I also have special talents regarding diplomacy. I can have a local brain transplant to understand the area’s language. Sure it’s messy, but most arguments come from communication problems and lead to a disconnect. How many other politicians are upgradable?

How do you balance working at Netherworld with campaigning? Has it taken a toll?
It actually helps. People can come to me. They know where to find me. Do they know where to find McCain or Obama, besides waving at people from a little train on the news? No. I'll always be lurking.

The VP plays an important role in this year’s election. Have you nominated anyone yet?
This has really been a challenge. I considered the Headless Horseman, to help slash the budget, but ultimately I decided to put differences aside and add the Wolfman to the ticket. He brings a great knowledge of ecology, which will help environmental policy—a dream candidate. SP

For more information on Netherworld, call 404-608-2484 or visit www.fearworld.com. Kevin Moreau’s “Stop the Presses” will return next week.