Sunday, November 23, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

The L-word: sooner, later or never?

On the day I was to book my ticket, he called me that morning professing his love...That afternoon, he sent me an e-mail saying he’d changed his mind.

By Blane Bachelor

Q I met a fabulous guy from Europe. Our first date was in Italy. He quickly professed his love and, like a true romantic, I bought it. We spent a great week in Hotlanta. But let me preface all this with: We did not travel round all the proverbial bases, if you know what I mean.

Of course, this story takes a turn I did not expect. After he returned to Europe, he invited me to meet his family across the pond. I was delighted, and, for weeks, we Skyped, and he e-mailed and called constantly. On the day I was to book my ticket, he called me that morning professing his love. I bought the ticket. That afternoon, he sent me an e-mail saying he’d changed his mind.

Whoa, nelly. I want to be the romantic, fun-loving girl I was raised to be, but I am finding it’s becoming much harder. I am 35, not yet married and itching to meet that sweatpants sort of man I can grow old and become BFFs with. Can’t forget about the glorious romance. I don't want to mistrust every man I meet for fear it will end like this one.

Should I have mentally enjoyed the adventures but known it was headed nowhere, given our distance? But if I do that, won't I be ruling out the possibility that true love does exist? Any words of encouragement?—Heartbroken in Atlanta

A Look, Cinderella, I know it’s hard to keep the whirlwind emotions of a new relationship in check, especially one dripping with the fairy-tale trappings you describe and, apparently, thrive on (an exotic European suitor! A first date in Italy! A flurry of phone calls and gooey e-mails and cross-continental jaunts! Che romantico!). But when someone drops the L-word instantaneously along with promises to meet the fam across the globe, it’s almost always a red flag. At least you didn’t give it up to this confused cad.

So encouragement—don’t let this douche damper your romantic spirit—must be accompanied by advice (go figure): Don’t let your grandiose expectations of “glorious romance” send future prospects scampering off like sewer rats in a subway. It’s a tricky balance, but it will behoove you immensely to start striving for it pronto. Which means you should keep your heart open with the next man (or men) you meet, but stop the first-date fantasies of you two 30 years down the road, wrinkled and wearing matching sweat suits emblazoned with each other’s initials. Focus more on the fun-loving—and less on the romantic—side of you, and I bet that true love comes along quicker than a fairy godmother can wave her wand. 

I am 24, and I met a man 23 years my senior. (Just so you know, I have an incredible relationship with my father.) This man wasn’t one I was looking for, but after spending time with him, I find myself growing closer and closer to him. I enjoy his company. We share common beliefs and life goals, and his age doesn’t bother me. So the quandary: We recently celebrated being together for a year. I happened to mention the L-word, and for almost two weeks, he’s been super distant. He calls, and we still hang, but there’s an elephant in the room.

Is it wrong for me to tell another person how I honestly feel? And does the L-word, when uttered to a man, mean marriage? I just meant what I said, and I know I cannot go back. Arghh. But how can I be me, yet keep how I feel so shut in and bottled inside?

I want to give him a reasonable amount of time to sort through things and for me to sort through all of this, and since I do love him, me bouncing wouldn’t say much about the meaning of my words, now would it? Any advice on how I proceed?—Too Soon for “L” Word?

Uh, I know this isn’t what you asked, and accuse me of ageism if you want, but what in Depends hell is a saucy 23-year-old minx such as yourself doing with a dude almost double her age? That gap might close in some ways as you get older, but in others, it’s likely to become glaringly divisive. (His hemorrhoids + your sexual peak ≠ A good time for anyone. And are you even sure he heard you when told him you loved him?)

But on to your questions. No, it’s not wrong to tell another person how you feel, especially since you’ve been together for a year; I personally applaud your guts. No, men don’t always hear “I want to marry you” when women tell them “I love you.” But here’s a sampling (from an informal survey of trusted male sources) of what they think: Oh Jesus. She said it first, so I’m forced to say it back even though I’m not feeling it yet … Nice. I’ve got her locked in now … I wonder what game is on tonight? No, “bouncing” (how I despise that expression) wouldn’t mean you don’t love him. It would mean that you respect yourself enough not to stay in a situation that’s not good for you.

So ask him why he’s been so distant, and if the answer isn’t encouraging, give him and the elephant all the distance in the world by bouncing your ass outta there. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.