Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sports, "Hunt's Grunts"

Giving thanks and cracking jokes

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?

By Hunt Archbold

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up? Because they wear their buckles on their hats. (Rim shot, please!) Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? She’s served without dressing. (Crickets.) Yes, I’ll be playing here all week …

OK, these aren’t the best holiday funnies. But then again, these are not the best of times. The daily news is filled with doom and gloom about our sagging economy, and the leaders of country’s big three automakers spent most of last week begging Congress for billions in bailout money. And they had the audacity to fly to Washington from the same Detroit airport on three separate private jets to whine about how bad things are.

That didn’t even include the Ford family moaning about how abysmal their football team is. That would be the Detroit Lions, who have won exactly one playoff game since the Fords bought the once-proud franchise 45 years ago. (And Falcons fans thought they had it bad.)

St. Peter and Satan are having an argument one day about who can field the better football team. Ol’ Lucifer proposes a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” says Heaven’s gatekeeper. “But you realize we’ve got all the game’s best players and coaches.”

“Without question,” the Devil replies. “But I’ve got all the best officials.”

Ah yes, officials and umpires—for a variety of reasons, they’ve been botching it one way or another since the first games were played. From World Series umpire Don Denkinger more than two decades ago in Kansas City to NFL referee Ed Hochuli more than two months ago in Denver, whistle-blowers have a history of, well, blowing it.

And outside of imprisoned former NBA official Tim Donaghy, no zebra or man in blue has cost folks more money than the officiating crew recently did at Pittsburgh’s Heinz Field in Week 11 of the NFL season. Erroneously ruling that the Steelers’ final-play-of-the-game touchdown against San Diego was not a score, the officials ultimately credited Pittsburgh with a one-point win instead of a deserved seven-point victory, which would have allowed Pittsburgh to cover the closing betting line at legal casinos. The ruling cost Steelers backers hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars. But after admitting its mistake, the NFL shrugged its shoulders in indifference.

Money is scarce these days, and when it’s due to some deserving chap, it somehow ends up in someone else’s pockets. All the fallout from the housing, credit and financial crises has badly hurt the economy, which is almost certainly now in recession and looks to be so for much of 2009. And now Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, the primary sellers of the $700 billion financial bailout being paid for by taxpayers, have switched gears and announced that the government will not use any of the $700 billion to buy rotten mortgages and other bad assets from banks.

 “Let’s see that breaking ball again,” the baseball play-by-play announcer says. “Look at how that broke! That’s foreclosure broke.”

How has this come to pass? How did the average pay for CEOs rise more than 45 percent from 1996-2006 while workers’ pay rose just 7 percent in that same period? With the automakers asking for a $25 billion loan, but without disclosing a plan as to how they would properly use it, it appears the Fords know how to run an automobile manufacturing company about as well as they know how to run a successful NFL franchise—not very.

We’re in an economic crisis, but President-elect Barack Obama has indicated that he will make it his “first order of business” to pass a plan to give the economy “the boost it needs.” Who cares whether he wants to see a college football playoff become reality? Considering the nation’s official unemployment rate is its highest in 14 years (Georgia’s is at its highest in 16), prudence is called for.

In the meantime, this week is a time to give thanks for all our blessings, and not just because the Falcons are in the playoff hunt and the Dawgs and Jackets are set to battle in Athens. We all share a wonderful gift—the ability to laugh and celebrate with food, drink, fellowship and good times. It’s been said that a sense of humor is akin to carbonated holiness, and I say savor it until the last drop—even if the jokes are lame.

Happy times … and what did Hippocrates say when asked why the chicken crossed the road? “Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.” (Rim shot, please!) SP