Sunday, November 30, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Texting and sexing: too much and not enough

Unless you’d like to surprise him with a trip to Inserection after work one day, give him and his wife a little demo with their new goodies, and then hop into the sack and show ’em how it’s done...

By Blane Bachelor

Q I have a question, and I guess it’s more along the lines of what is typical behavior. I have a co-worker/friend who complains that he and his wife of some 15 years are rarely, if ever, having sex. He has three children with her and won’t even bring it up for a discussion. He says he and his wife never really talked about sex when they were dating. And I’m thinking that’s probably why there are no fireworks in the bedroom today. He’s somewhat conservative and doesn’t really have a good sex vocabulary.

My personal opinion is that he should talk to his wife about it, learn about sex and hit the sex store. That’s what I would do, but then again that’s one of the first (and ongoing) discussions I have in any relationship.

I’m wondering if this is something that happens when people are married for such a long period of time or maybe it’s because he’s in his 40s and never knew to talk about it. I guess this is just what happens when you don’t talk about such things early on in a relationship.

Always enjoy your column.—Concerned for My Co-Worker

A To answer your question (if I have it right): A couple that, after 15 years of marriage and three children, isn’t having as much sex as the husband would like certainly falls under the umbrella of typical—or, perhaps more accurately, not uncommon or abnormal—behavior. And a man who doesn’t voice his feelings? Well, that’s about as cliché as it gets.

But your letter really isn’t about confirming what’s typical, is it? What you’re really looking for, if my sixth sense is hitting the mark here, is how you could become the sexual savior for your buddy, the hard-up hubby, with a few wise words about how he can loosen up the little lady and get the lovin’ he deserves? Kind of like you do, with your trips to the sex store, impeccable communication strategies and “good sex vocabulary”?

Look, I agree that this couple needs to start talking—to each other—about some of their issues. But if you really want to help your friend, try losing the holier-than-thou, Dr.-Phil ’tude when he does come to you. Keep telling him, as I hope you have to this point, that you’re happy to listen but the most important person he should be discussing this with is his wife. Especially when it comes to something as personal as sex, posturing about your opinions and strategies likely won’t—and shouldn’t—do anything for his circumstances.

Beyond that, there’s not much else you can do. That is, unless you’d like to surprise him with a trip to Inserection after work one day, give him and his wife a little demo with their new goodies, and then hop into the sack and show ’em how it’s done. Which would certainly fall outside the category of typical behavior and into that of downright effed-up.

I am a 34-year-old singleton in the city finally dating a really nice guy. So far, so good after several months of great dates. He's the door-opening sort who hasn’t forgotten about social graces. But here’s the rub. He is a texter, and I find that incredibly annoying. Text messages are so confusing, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. My goodness. I can’t tell you how many emails I’ve personally misinterpreted. Add emotion to the mix, and text messages are even more confusing.

How do I get the message across to this text-crazy man that texts aren’t cutting it for me? Maybe I’m an old-fashioned girl, but there’s just something so darned unromantic about them. I don’t want to send a TTYL to the guy I dig, but if this goes on, I just might have to. I would love your advice. —Tired of Texting

As with any technology, texting comes with its benefits and drawbacks, and as a result, the dating landscape is changed forever. It’s made it easier for people to connect (finding each other at a noisy bar), but also easier for the cowards out there to disconnect (breaking up with someone via text).

So how to sort through your dilemma? I’m not a big texter myself, so I consulted textpert Kristina Grish, author of “The Joy of Text,” for the 411. “This girl is probably enabling him in a few ways,” she says, adding that texting is so much a part of his lifestyle that shutting it completely off will be impossible. Instead, Grish says, if you’re cool with flirting or confirming plans via text, reward him with quick, playful responses to those messages. She also suggests capping texts at 160 characters (I’d add to that with kepping the back and forth to no more than two responses per person). “But if he wants to discuss something deeper and longer, like the state of their relationship—or even what happened on “Gossip Girl” the night before—in more than 160 characters, she should simply not respond or type back a quick ‘call me,’” Grish says. “He’ll get the hint, and she’ll get what she wants.” SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.