Sunday, April 12, 2009
A+E, Movies, Reviews

Bad cop

‘Observe and Report’ a criminal waste of time

BY STEVE WARREN

The Band, performing Bob Dylan’s “When I Paint My Masterpiece” during the opening of “Observe and Report,” sings, “You can almost think that you’re seein’ double.” If you’ve seen “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” you’ll know the feeling.

“Observe and Report” is practically that other movie’s evil twin. It, too, is a comedy about mall cops, one in particular who lives with his mother and has a crush on a woman who works at the mall. There’s also a display car that you know will be called into action.

“Observe and Report”—written and directed by Jody Hill, who got more positive attention than he deserved last year for “The Foot Fist Way”—should be the better mall-cop movie. But it isn’t, even though it’s got Seth Rogen, who’s younger and hipper than Kevin James, and it’s rated R, so its humor can be edgier and more adult.

Let’s deal with the “humor” first. Ronnie Barnhardt (Rogen) is head of mall security (and don’t you forget it!) at Forest Ridge Mall. His security forces—twins John and Matt (John and Matt Yuan), rookie Charles (Jesse Plemons) and second-in-command Dennis (Michael Peña), with whom Ronnie eventually has a bromance—hope to be allowed to carry guns in the near future. In the meantime, they have batons, flashlights, tasers and their favorite weapon, the F-bomb. If you giggle every time you hear the F-word, you’re probably 12 or under, and you’ll find “Observe and Report” hilarious. For the rest of us, there’s very little else to laugh at.

It’s obvious from the start that Ronnie has delusions of grandeur. “I’m a cook and I’m serving up justice” is typical of his declarations. When Det. Harrison (Ray Liotta) from the local police comes to investigate a parking lot flasher and an overnight robbery, he and Ronnie get into a jurisdictional dispute.

We later learn that Ronnie has a bipolar disorder. Going off his meds doesn’t help him with the psychological exam required to get into the police academy. Even if you’re not offended by the use of mental illness for cheap laughs, it’s not very funny.

The tone changes toward the end of the film, as Ronnie starts narrating in what sounds like an outtake from Travis Bickle’s journal. It’s not a spoof of “Taxi Driver,” but it’s serious enough to make us dislike our bipolar, self-aggrandizing hero.

Ronnie has his sights set on “cosmetic consultant” Brandi (Anna Faris, playing an actual brainless bimbo for a change, instead of a woman who only appears to be one), whose idea of a joke is summoning a waitress by calling “Nurse!” But she’s not the only potential love interest for Ronnie (not that he deserves even one): There’s also Nell (Collette Wolfe), the new, temporarily crippled girl at the coffee-and-buns stand. She takes a lot of abuse from her boss, Roger (Patton Oswalt), and tells Ronnie she’s a “born-again virgin” who’s holding out for marriage. This, too, occasions tasteless jokes.

Regular readers know I’m no prude. If anything, I’m a fan of tasteless humor—when it’s funny. Not only is “Observe and Report” not funny, it gets downright ugly, not only verbally but in two action scenes near the end: a brutal beating and a point-blank shooting. An earlier scene of violence can be taken less seriously, because the victims deserve what they get.

Having observed “Observe and Report,” I’m here to report that it sets the bar awfully low for the rest of this year’s comedies. But I’ve no doubt some of them will manage to go even lower. 1.5 STARS