Sunday, November 01, 2009
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Racy conversations & racists

Blane Bachelor answers your relationship questions

By Blane Bachelor

What is with guys and their obsession with three-ways? I’ve been dating somebody fairly seriously for about eight months, and we have a raging sex life. I like kicking up the kink factor, but one thing he keeps bringing up is his ultimate fantasy of getting with two girls at the same time. He’s 39, and I think it’s one of those bucket list things for him and because this milestone birthday (40th) is approaching. Problem: I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve heard about couples who have broken up because of threesomes, and it scares me. Also, how do you find the other person? What if he likes her better? And what if I just can’t stand the sight of him [being intimate with] someone else? I’m also afraid he might break up with me if I don’t agree to this. Please help.—Freaked Over Three

All valid questions, Freaked, which I turned over to a friend who has had several threesomes for his take. On why they’re such a big deal to guys: “[Emotionally,] ego, bragging rights and the fact that men love variety, something new. A man’s line of thinking is simple: Share a girl, and it’s not cheating. And I will say I developed a new level of confidence. [Physically,] four hands stimulating you feels good. Ever had a four-handed massage?”

On the danger of your guy falling for the other girl: “‘Old’ chemistry competes with ‘new’ chemistry. Since the dude has already experienced the old, the new is usually more interesting. But this also catches some women off-guard—they may enjoy the other girl more than they were expecting.” I’d add that many couples establish ground rules up-front about what’s allowed (heavy petting but no penetration, for example), which could alleviate some of your anxiety.
 
On where to find your third, should you decide to proceed: “[Their] best bet is to go out of town, far away, and chalk it up to a wild night out or a wild vacation experience. Then disappear from the ‘new’ girl, and everyone agrees not to exchange numbers.”

And I’m glad to have male validation of my thoughts on the last line, which my friend agreed was a “huge red flag”—if your boyfriend has, in fact, threatened to break up with you (has he actually said the words?) should you nix the idea. Which brings up that boring old c-word yet again: communication. You two need plenty more of it before bringing in a third party. I hope my friend has provided some good insight, but the person you really need to be asking these questions is your boyfriend. His answers should go a long way in answering whether you’re up for this or not.

I met the most incredible woman a few weeks ago. She’s good-looking, incredibly smart, quirky in an endearing way—I could go on forever about all her wonderful traits. But I have a sneaking suspicion she’s a racist. Some of the things she’s said when we’ve been alone made my skin crawl. I have lots of close friends from different cultural backgrounds, and I can’t imagine bringing them around her after she’s said these things. I’m incredibly disappointed by this troubling turn of events. How do I go about getting over this? What do I say to her? I don’t see myself getting more involved, but I don’t have any real evidence of anything that bad, except for what she’s said.—More Than Skin Deep

This is one of those situations where you gotta go with your gut. And what your gut is telling you is that even if this chick isn’t a raging, all-out racist, there’s something about her character and values that just doesn’t jibe with yours. You don’t need any “evidence of anything that bad” (what do you think you’ll find, for God’s sake? A tall, pointy white hat and noose in her trunk?). Observing her behavior and comments is enough to know this isn’t going to work.

So what do you say to her? You could wimp out and take your pick of tired old lines: The chemistry just isn’t there for you; you’re not ready to settle down; that your mom just bought you the "Family Guy” box set and your DVR is the only thing you’ll be seeing for the foreseeable future. If you’re feeling a bit bolder, tell her those troublesome comments and behaviors—be sure to cite a few—just aren’t sitting well with you. Repeat what you’ve written here—you can’t imagine bringing your friends from different backgrounds around her. That should get your point across without you having to actually say, “I can’t see you anymore because I think you’re a racist.” But if you really want to sack up, that’s the very thing you should say. She probably won’t change, but at least she’ll know that all the “wonderful traits” in the world won’t make up for her being a bigot in the eyes of open-minded fellas such as yourself. In my book, that’s how you get over the disappointment of something like this. SP
Blane Bachelor is an Atlanta-based freelance writer and SP’s resident romance expert. Got a dating dilemma for her to answer? Submit it at www.askabachelor.com.