Sunday, December 20, 2009
Quick, Life, In this Issue..., Q&A

Santa Claus: The SP Q&A

Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, brings toys to good little boys and girls everywhere every Christmas Eve. He recently spoke with SP’s Kevin Forest Moreau.

First of all, sir, thank you for agreeing to this exclusive interview.

You’re quite welcome.

How do you respond to charges that by giving away free stuff, you’re indoctrinating children into a lifetime of conspicuous consumerism and, worse, the welfare-state mentality?

Oh, dear. This isn’t going to be that kind of interview, is it, Kevin? My publicist told me I shouldn’t have agreed to this. The answer is that the staff here at North Pole Enterprises prefers to see what we do as promoting a lifestyle of good behavior. That’s what the Naughty or Nice® incentive program is all about. Good boys and girls get toys; bad ones get a lump of coal. I can tell you what side of that list I’m imagining you’re going to fall on.

Please, Santa, let’s keep the focus on you. How does the toy-industrial complex feel about your workshops full of elves making knockoffs of their products and giving them away for free?

Oh, that’s a common misconception. We have agreements with all of the major toy manufacturers. They share their propriety intellectual property with us because they recognize that our yearly giveaways will make other children covet their toys and ultimately spur sales. I also own several dummy corporations that are constantly buying toys, bicycles, crafts—you name it—at a discount from smaller companies, and closeout and overstock firms like Big Lots.

Amazing. How do you pay for such a huge operation? You’ve got all those elves’ salaries, reindeer maintenance …

We receive distribution fees from the major toy suppliers. We also generate a lot of revenue from licensing and royalties from all those Christmas movies and animated holiday specials that use my likeness.

Incredible. OK, let’s move on. How exactly do you travel all over the world in one night? Do you have an army of Santa clones? Do you use teleportation, or wormholes or other advanced technologies?

Now, that’s a trade secret! But I will tell you this: I don’t cover the whole world by myself in one night. That’s preposterous! I’m simply one of a legion of toy-allocation specialists across the globe. There’s Father Christmas over in the U.K., Saint Nicholas in the Netherlands, Papa Noel, Grandfather Frost, Sinterklaas and Black Pete—and then there’s Krampus and Tio de Nadal. Trust me, you don’t even want to know about them. [Editor's note: He's right. Look them up.]

What’s the purpose of this worldwide cabal? Is it part of a Vatican plot to bribe kids into getting interested in Christmas?

Ho, ho, ho! That’s quite an imagination you’ve got there, my friend. But I’m afraid our time is up.

But I have so many questions! How do you determine who’s naughty and nice? Where do those elves come from? And what’s with the reindeer?

We can resume this chat next year—if you’re a good boy. Besides, I can’t tell you everything. That would take all the magic out of the holiday. Merry Christmas! SP