Saturday, October 06, 2007
Quick, "Ask a Bachelor"
The Great Divide
By Blane Bachelor
Q I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who lives in Europe, for three years. I know it’s time to end things, but I almost can’t bear it. I have never broken up with someone before. How do I even start the conversation? The thing is, he’s scheduled to come visit this month. I was trying to talk to him before he booked his flight, but he has already booked it. I want to see him again, and he wants to see my new apartment—he’s been waiting months to see it. But I think he has lost some of the enthusiasm toward the relationship, too. So should I tell him before he comes? —Breaking up is hard to do
A Your letter reminded me of an uncomfortable situation I put myself in while I was living in Barcelona as a 25-year-old. A guy I had very casually dated before I’d left the States wanted to visit me, and although I knew I didn’t have the romantic feelings he did, I told him to come anyway. When he popped out of the cab, I knew my gut was right. That night, he tried to make a move that I brushed off, and the next day, he was gone. He later sent a scathing e-mail, explaining he’d shelled out a boatload of pesetas to take a one-way flight home, and six years later I still feel twinges of guilt—all because I was too scared to be honest with him beforehand.
Though your circumstances are different—you’ve been with your boyfriend for three years—my advice is exactly what I should have done: tell him before his trip, as soon as possible, not to come. Sure, it will hurt—breaking up always does. But it will be much more painful to wake up and see him skulking around your apartment (which he seems more excited to see than you, by the way) for a tortuous week while you figure out how to navigate your broken-up status face-to-face. Then, there’s the possibility of breakup sex—which, unfortunately, is usually way hotter than normal because you’re broken up and not supposed to be having it in the first place. Women tend to hold onto hot breakup sex as a sign the relationship might have a chance, which can wipe out your conviction over ending it and leave you a blubbering mess when you drop him off at the airport. Finally, if money is a factor for him and things become so tense he decides to change his flight home or get a hotel, the trip could easily end up way more expensive than canceling in the first place—adding yet another layer of guilt for you. This is one situation where the distance can help you; take advantage of it.
I’m a single woman, and often I will go out with man for whom I have a mild interest to see if there is a spark and any relationship potential. Typically, I will go out with them a couple times and pay for my part of the bill. I may decide I’m not interested and will stop returning calls or make excuses for why I can’t see them in hopes of not leading them on. However, many times they have contacted me up to a dozen times or more—without response from me. Several of my girlfriends have had similar experiences. I know the simple solution is to tell these men I’m not interested romantically, but why should I have to be put in an uncomfortable position of explaining why I’m not interested? If a man doesn’t respond after a couple of my attempts to contact him, I let it go. Why is it men can’t seem to take a hint? —Just not that into him
First of all, kudos to you for giving guys who don’t necessarily light your fire initially another chance. Many relationships—mine included—have started not with the white-hot sparks of passion but shared interests, wonderful company and a hint of a sexual chemistry that eventually ignites into a fiery slow burn. And because you’re picking up the tab during this process, you’re not using these guys as free meal tickets.
Now, on to your dilemma. Men are many things, but usually, perceptive isn’t one of them. Dating, too, is many things, and uncomfortable is usually one of them. You need to decide whether you’d rather deal with the discomfort of constant calls from men you’re not into, or the discomfort of telling those men outright that you’re not into them. The choice is yours, but from my experiences dealing with serial callers, it’s easier on everyone if you just come out with something like, “I had a really nice time with you, but I just don’t think things are going to work out.” There’s not much room for misinterpretation from that, while a few unreturned phone calls might unwillingly be sending an especially persistent guy the message that you’re playing hard to get.
One final thought: In my humble opinion, a phone that rings off the hook with suitors is much more preferable to one that never rings at all. Maybe it’s time to start counting your blessings instead of the number of times your Prince Not-So-Charmings try to track you down. SP
After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com. Your identity is safe with us.