Saturday, October 13, 2007
Quick, "Ask a Bachelor"

Where do I begin?

How do you recover from a first-date disaster?

Q How do you recover from a first-date disaster if you really like the person and feel chemistry, but the date was one issue after the other? Terrible service, bad food, long lines, and he was late to begin with. It was really hard to get to know each other when we were uncomfortable in our surroundings. —Need a Fresh Start

“Terrible service, bad food, long lines”—where the hell did you guys go for your first date? Hartsfield-Jackson? If you were both that “uncomfortable in your surroundings,” then why didn’t either of you suggest a change of venue?

What you’ve described doesn’t sound like a first-date disaster to me. In my opinion, those fall under the umbrella of things like finding the waitress—the same one who was giving you terrible service at the table—giving your date a different kind of service in the bathroom. Instead, what you experienced sounds like a great opportunity to get an early read on someone when life throws one of its inevitable monkey wrenches into the works. If your date kept his cool and tried to find the humor in all the glitches that kept popping up, then I say you’ve got a winner, albeit one who was late. You don’t say whether he was five or 45 minutes tardy, or if he called to give you a heads-up—all of which can speak volumes about not just his manners but his character—but I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, at least this time.

Unless ... you’re the one who’s far too focused on all that went wrong on this date, which is kind of the tone coming from your letter. Instead, why not concentrate on the one thing that did go right—chemistry? If you’ve got that elusive little element going for you, and you “really like” this guy, I’d think that would override the issues you encountered on your first date. What’s more, those little mishaps paved a perfect opportunity to go out again to try to get it right, and who knows—maybe they also gave you a hilarous first-date story you can tell your grandkids one day.
 
Here’s the scoop: I’ve just moved to town after a very successful stint out of the country. I am super fun, extremely humorous, really into sports and Mom tells me that I’m cute (and she is a good woman who never lies). So why is it I’m having a hard time making friends? Where should I be looking? I am a social hummingbird (butterflies have to work to keep up with me)—so what gives? —Searching in all the Wrong Places

Tough to say without knowing you personally or watching you in attempted friend-making action. I’m hoping, upon meeting a potential buddy, you don’t just stick out your hand and recite the same resume you provided above, following it up with, “So, you want to be my friend, right?” If you’re as extroverted as you say you are, I’m sure you’ll make things happen. And since you’re really into sports and socializing, then Atlanta (I’m hoping it’s where you meant when you said you moved “here”) is the perfect town for you. Places like Turner Field—where losing track of the game while downing beers at the Chop House is half the fun—are ideal for meeting new folks. Until baseball starts again, take advantage of your sports knowledge by chatting up people at the gym, at the grocery store, at work—wherever you won’t feel like a loser going solo—about how, unfortunately, the Falcons are sucking without Vick.

P.S. Moms are notorious for lying, especially when it comes to their children—ever heard of that phrase “a face only a mother could love”? I’m not at all suggesting you’ve got one. But while having looks certainly helps securing dates, plenty of the fugliest of folks have hordes of friends.

My boyfriend has a box of old girlfriends’ pictures and items from their relationships. It really annoys me that he keeps it on a shelf in his room. How do I ask him to throw it away? —Framed

The fact is that most of us have integrated “items” from past relationships into our lives in a number of ways. My everyday watch is a gift from an ex, and I’m not going to toss it on the principle that I’m with someone different now. When you break up with someone, the proverbial return of goods accumulated at each other’s homes is often a given, but I can’t think of anyone (at least anyone sane) who does a complete housecleaning to remove every reminder of an ex.

Hoarding a collection of reminders from past relationships is a little different, though. So when you say “it,” do you mean the box of relics itself, or a framed 8” x 11” photo of him and his ex embracing in front of the Christmas tree? Do the “items” in question include a sentimental card or two, or an array of leather whips and furry handcuffs? And is the shelf where he keeps “it” a shelf on his bedroom wall, or a shelf in a dark corner of his closet where he stashes old running shoes? The answers to these questions could mean a big difference in terms of what’s a reasonable amount of toleration on your part for the presence of such mementos. But my suspicion is that, wherever and whatever the items in question are, your boyfriend probably hasn’t thought twice about them in a long time—or how much they bothers you.

So why not just have a conversation about it? And, in the proverbial relationship lexicon, compromise is always key. You don’t ask him to throw it away, but put it away; he gets to keep his stash without feeling controlled; and you’re both free to start figuring out where the photos of you as a couple should go. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.