Saturday, October 27, 2007
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Holding on

Problems with money, trust and time keep relationships from growing

By Blane Bachelor

Q I have a friend who is incredibly tight with money, yet he wonders why he can’t keep a girlfriend. He has a lot to offer in many ways, and he is not poor. Still, he can’t see his actions communicate that money is more important than anything or anyone else. How can I tell this friend his horrific stinginess is getting in the way of his happiness in relationships—and even his platonic friendships? —Friend of Scrooge

A I agree that stinginess overshadows one’s good qualities, in the process killing romance—and sometimes friendships—faster than a too-tight condom.

Way I see it, you have three options.

1) Next time he whips out his calculator, tactfully bring up how his being a tightwad affects your friendship: “When you split the check down to the last dime whenever we have lunch, it makes me feel like money overrides the great time we just had. Can we talk about this?” This could lead to a conversation about how his behavior is affecting others or an enlightening discussion about why he’s this way.

2) Straight-out tell Scrooge his miserly ways are a huge turnoff for most women. Money can be a tough subject, but sometimes friends have to deliver the tough love, and you sound genuinely concerned about his well-being. But be prepared for a prickly response, too.

3) Accept him as is and keep in mind that tightwads tend to over time repel level-headed folks—both friends and others—when it comes to money. It just might be the only person he can ever be truly tight with is another tightwad.

My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with my male boss. There’s nothing going on, and I’ve never cheated on anyone. What can I say to my boyfriend to let him know my loyalty is true? —Not a Hardworking Cheater

I don’t think it’s as much about what you say as what you do. If this friendship involves weekly happy hours, frequent out-of-town trips and after-hours calls, your actions are sending the message that you two might be doing more than tallying TPS reports. In that case, you can profess your loyalty until your vocal cords fray and I doubt it would do much good. And your squeaky-clean history in the fidelity department doesn’t hold much weight for your boyfriend when you’re off to yet another client dinner with your buddy-buddy boss.

What you might do is reevaluate this “friendship.” Getting friendly with co-workers is one thing; it’s entirely another to bond with the person who signs your paycheck. Friends call each other when they’re feeling blue. They hang out on the weekend. If they’re true friends, they see the real us, not just the (hopefully) professional, driven slice of our persona we display at work. Those are not criteria that should apply to a boss. My guess is if you start shifting this friendship into something better described as a “strong working relationship,” your boyfriend’s jealousy will disappear faster than the jackass you’ll read about below.

I’ve been dating this great guy for about month. We’ve seen each other nearly every day, we have long talks over dinner, he e-mails me and tells me he misses me, and calls me every day—until now. It’s been four days, and I haven’t heard a peep from him since he cancelled our last date! I know he’s really busy at work, but I feel like he could at least call or text. I’ve called him twice; the least he could do is let me know he’s alive! If he’s trying to break up with me, why wouldn’t he just tell me? —Confused in Brookhaven

Because he’s a guy, and unfortunately, guys are notorious for this kind of crap. I call it the disappearing act: Out of nowhere, unprovoked, he stops returning calls, stops texting and seems to simply vanish.

Before yet another “WTF???” cycle of speculation and rationalization sets in, try to reframe things. Being a victim of the Disappearing Act is a rite of passage in dating, especially for women. And unless you’ve omitted a critical detail from your letter—like “This all happened after I asked what he wants to name his kids” (in which case, I not only understand his disappearance, I encourage it)—you’ve likely filled this square. Instead of wondering why, consider this instead: His actions speak volumes about his character, or lack thereof. Beyond common courtesy, this is about a critical component of relationships called respect. Lose your outrage about deserving an explanation and be glad you’re rid of this louse after just one month. A person as emotionally invested as you describe but ducks out when things gets tough—i.e., telling you that, for whatever reason, his feelings have changed—is a total douchebag, not a “great guy.” If you ever do hear from him again, tell him I said so.

One last word of warning: In my book, a month is pretty fast to be seeing someone nearly every day. I know it’s hard not to get swept up in the early rush of romance, but maybe you’ll use this experience as a lesson to take things slower so the sweet nothings aren’t just that with the next guy. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.