Sunday, November 04, 2007
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Look at me
Vying for the attention of our mates
Q Having just finished university, my girlfriend of more than one year is leaving to attend graduate school abroad. She says we’ll write and call and that our relationship is strong enough to endure, but I still have my senior year to finish, and no money with which to visit her for holiday weekends. She is beautiful, smart and attracts energy in every room she enters. I believe she’d stay true to me, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about every flirty guy who speaks to her and what must be on his mind. It’s only a year, but it feels like I’m saying goodbye for what she’ll remember as the best year of her life. I have no doubt it will not rank among the best years of my life. Should I be worried? Do we have a chance? Do long-distance relationships ever work? —Long-Distance Doubter The short answers to your questions: 1) You obviously already are. 2) Most things have at least a chance, even the sliver of one Nicole Richie’s spawn has to grow up to be a normally functioning child. 3) If by “work,” you mean LDRs survive the distance and the couple eventually gets married or stays together long-term, then the answer is rarely. But then again, by the same quantifier, the majority of relationships in general don’t last either.
My expanded input: No doubt your girlfriend is in for a tremendous life change. But she seems to at least want to try to maintain your relationship, while you’re so focused on why it wouldn’t work. If you truly “believe she’d stay true” and you don’t want to lose her, tell her you’re as onboard as fully as she is to make this work over the next year. Then buy her a web cam as a going-away present (along with one for yourself), download Skype for some free computer-aided chats and get fired up for some naughty cross-continental interactions. And don’t ever underestimate the power of a heartfelt, handwritten letter. If you do break up, you’ll do so knowing you gave it your best shot.
Finally, I detect more than a whiff of woe-is-me attitude in your letter, which certainly will not help the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” effect you’re striving for here. She might be cavorting around Europe broadening her mind, which quite possibly could be one of the best years of her life, but there’s nothing to say you can’t focus on making yours a memorable one, too. Having a full, satisfying life on your own is a powerful aphrodisiac for the life you share with a partner, even one who’s thousands of miles away.
I’m a bachelorette living in the city and have been dating someone, whom I consider a serious boyfriend, for four months now. Recently “Fred” bought an iPhone and will not let it leave his side. We’re both in our early 30s, but lately he’s been furiously texting like an acne-prone teenager. It angers me to receive a text from him when he could have spent less time making a quick phone call. To me, it seems disrespectful. I don’t get text messages from anyone else, and I don’t want to seem technologically bigoted, but I get the feeling he’d rather not take the courtesy to talk on the phone with me. And I’ve grown tired of trying to decipher texting code. I write and speak like an adult and would like to be addressed as such. This may be a phase he’s likely to grow out of. I don’t want to come down on him like his mother and I also don’t want to seem old-fashioned or prudish. I just want my pre-i-phone boyfriend back. What should I do? —Tired of Texting
Like you, I’m not very fond of texting, yet lately I’ve found myself getting sucked into more and more ridiculous back-and-forth dialogues. Right now I’m getting minute-by-minute updates from a friend who was stuck in the Caribbean while Tropical Storm Noel dumped buckets of rain on the islands.
Which illustrates my next point: for many people, texting is one of those actions whose frequency over time seems to increase, not decrease. While Fred’s initial obsession could, as you note, be a phase, no doubt his texting is here to stay. I don’t think you’re being old-fashioned, prudish or motherly, nor do I think his mad texting is meant as an outright display of disrespect toward you. If he continues to do it knowing how much it bothers you, however, that’s another story.
But I don’t see anywhere in your letter that you’ve actually tried to talk to him about the issue. So tell him to leave his beloved gadget in another room and sit down for a face-to-face discussion, highlighting all the points you made above. If Fred and his overdeveloped thumbs don’t get the message and the texts continue, then I’d say your final course of action is to send him one of your own: U R texting way 2 much 4 me. We R over. SP
After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.