Sunday, November 18, 2007
Quick, "Ask a Bachelor"

Bored in Bed

I’ve already run through all the traditional romance novelties for jazzing things up, so I’m about tapped out with ideas.

A Try thinking outside the, um, box. Instead of agonizing over which Kama Sutra position to contort yourself into next, push your girlfriend’s emotional buttons. Think about “traditional romance novelties” in a non-sexual context: Surprise her with flowers or a trip to her favorite restaurant, or simply pour her a big glass of wine after she’s had a rough day. (I hope you were doing those sorts of things at the beginning of your relationship; if your girlfriend is like 99 percent of the women I know in long-term relationships, she probably wishes you did more of them.) It’s no secret that women view sex as an expression of love and affection; if you make her feel loved and respected outside the bedroom, I’ll bet she shows her appreciation of your appreciation in the sack.

Another thought: Instead of asking her about a threesome (if she has half a brain, I’m sure she already knows this makes you salivate), why don’t you ask her what she’d like to do when it comes to getting it on? Kinks she might have? Fantasies she’d like to explore? Get her talking about what turns her on very well could lead to possibilities your horny little mind never even contemplated. At the very least, it will set the foundation for the honest, open dialogue you need to keep things hot for a time to come, so in a few years you won’t be writing me a letter like the one below.

I have been in a committed relationship for almost six years, and I’m bored. I know that sounds shallow, and I promise I am generally a good person. But the spark is gone between us. I don’t feel any warmth or sparkle when my boyfriend touches me. I’m not giddy when we kiss. Everything feels stale and routine. I do love him still, and I don’t know that I’m ready to end it. I have no idea if he feels the same way, because I don’t want to tell him how absolutely awful and monotonous this has become for me. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but something’s got to give. How do I approach this with him? Is this a sign that I should end my relationship? —In a Rut

It’s not a sign you should end your relationship, but it’s a sign you should start communicating a lot better than you have before this point. For me, the most troubling thing about your letter isn’t that you seem to have lost the spark with your man—every long-term relationship out there experiences this—but that you’ve been together for six years and you haven’t even voiced your concerns yet. Shame on your boyfriend for not speaking up, either, but I can all but guarantee that if you’re feeling this way, he probably is, too. Problem is, both of you have bottled up your feelings for so long because you’re scared of hurting the other person—and look where that’s gotten you.

But I don’t think your situation is as Doomsday as it sounds. You say you still love your boyfriend and you’re not sure you want to end it. Besides, there’s a good chance you’ll find yourself in the same situation after a few years with someone else, explains Dr. Debra Mandel (www.drdebraonline.com), a well-known relationship expert whose input I decided to solicit because your letter will resonate with so many others who are coupled up and antsy. “Falling in love is different than being in love, when we have more comfort and security and stability,” she says. “So naturally that other part, which is often sexually charged because it’s anxiety driven, goes away. But that doesn’t mean you can’t build a different kind of passion rooted in security.”

So how do you do that? There are dozens of books and magazine articles out there on the topic (another indication that you’re not alone in your dilemma), but in the space I have left I’ll try to sum up the most promising (and least expensive). Recent studies suggest that shared activities that get your adrenaline revving—think roller coasters or rock-climbing—help create a spark because you transfer the thrill of the activity to your partner. You can also get back into some of the things that remind you of when his kiss did make you feel giddy: revisit where you went for your first date or your first trip together. And for Pete’s sake, please make sure you’re trying to connect sexually, too. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to be aroused to get it on; just do it. These ideas might sound cliché, but they’re what the experts suggest over and over to break out of a relationship rut—instead of breaking up altogether. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.