Sunday, November 25, 2007
Quick, "Ask a Bachelor"

The downside to sex

She was quick to go back to him (probably due to his monetary stability)...

By Blane Bachelor

Q I read your column regularly and I guess it’s my turn to ask for advice. I’d seen a girl I met in a club I DJd at for three years. Our relationship fell apart last year due to combined unemployment, us not having a place to live and her second ex-husband wanting to “fix her life” if they remarried. She was quick to go back to him (probably due to his monetary stability), and she wanted to have her daughter from a previous marriage come live with her.

They got remarried last December, and a few months ago she called to tell me the marriage was a disappointment, and there was also an issue with him having molested her daughter. That was the final straw to draw up the divorce papers. She’s been to my place twice, and we’ve had sex both times (not that this will affect my judgment). But she wants to be my girlfriend again, and I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. I know people don’t change overnight, and there were a few trust issues I had with her. But yet I kinda feel since we’ve had our time apart that things would be better the second time around? —Dazed and Confused

Your signoff line says it all, because you, like the characters from this classic movie, must be smokin’ serious amounts of the fragrant stuff if you think things will work out with such a head case. At least three failed marriages, one of which to an alleged child molester, no home, multiple financial hardships, trust issues, bouncing like a pinball between relationships—this girl sounds about as stable as Beyoncé navigating the steps onstage at her concert.

I’m calling B.S. on your claim about the sex not affecting your judgment. I’m betting it’s pretty good, because it’s deluded you into considering reconcilement with someone who has steamer trunks worth of baggage. My advice? This isn’t about the right thing to do. It’s about the sane thing to do, which I’d say is to run like a madman in the opposite direction.

I just got back from my first trip to Las Vegas. It was awesome, except for some drama between my girlfriend and my best friend (a girl), who I’ve known for years. Here’s the deal: Last summer, I used to hook up with my best friend. She was actually the one to introduce me to my current girlfriend, whom I’ve been dating for about six months. They’ve been good friends for a long time, too. But my girlfriend feels insecure about our friendship. To be honest, maybe she should. I’ve always had a thing for my best friend. She’s cool and gorgeous, and we have so much fun. But she also has some issues, so I don’t see a future with her. But I don’t think I should have to give up a friendship with her to appease my girlfriend. Plus, I’m not feeling it with her anyway. I don’t want to upset her around the holidays, but this weekend brought my lack of feelings to light. What should I do? —Caught in the Middle

You could pass along your girlfriend’s number so I could give her a heads-up that, indeed, she has damn good reason to feel insecure. Or you could ask a wiser soul about women’s intuition, because you and your ex-hookup hottie/best friend aren’t fooling anyone—especially your girlfriend—about the sexual energy crackling between you.

As far as what you should do, the honorable thing would be to break up with your girlfriend, stat. Amidst all the sordid drama, you need to focus on the key piece of the plot—that she just doesn’t do it for you—and take action. But I suspect you like being the center of attention and affection in this twisted love triangle. So maybe a likelier scenario is that your girlfriend comes to her senses and dumps you first, so she can find someone who views her as more than a consolation prize. Along the way, she might also look for some girlfriends who don’t have such an active role in undermining her relationships.

However it ends with her, consider this for the next time around: Unless you want your best friend to continue driving a wedge between you and your love interests (and she knows what she’s doing, the manipulative little minx), lose the sense of entitlement that you can have it all. This is one situation where you can’t. And if you miss the excitement of being the center of attention, take an acting class—plenty of drama there, plus the opportunity to for you to bask in the spotlight. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.