Sunday, December 02, 2007
Quick, "Ask a Bachelor"

What’s she doing with him?

I’ve tried to drop subtle hints to my sister, but I don’t know if she’s gotten them or even cares.

By Blane Bachelor

Q My sister’s been in a relationship with this guy for a few years. At first, I didn’t have any major issues with him. But over time he’s shown his true colors—and they’re putrid. I’ve seen him boss her around. He pouts like a 2-year-old whenever he doesn’t get his way. And I think he’d leave my sister at the drop of a hat. At first I thought I was just being the overprotective brother, but after finding out that some of my friends share my feelings, I became even more concerned. I’ve tried to drop subtle hints to my sister, but I don’t know if she’s gotten them or even cares. I also don’t want to come off as meddling. She says she’s happy, but I’m not convinced. After all, we only see what we want to see, right? I know she wants to get married and have kids, but I would hate to see her settle, or worse, get hurt by this guy. She deserves better. What should I do, if anything? —Bothered Brother

We’ve all been here before—close to a friend or family member who’s dating someone we don’t think is up to snuff—and the angst it can cause is maddening. Wouldn’t it be terrific if all you had to do was grab your sister by the shoulders, give her a good, hard shake and demand, “What the hell are you doing with this ass-clown???” She’d then smack her forehead with her palm and respond, “Why, oh wise brother, I have no idea what I’m doing with him! I’ll drop him this instant!” followed up with a good, hard kick to the ass of the aforementioned ass-clown, who mopes off into the distance, never to be heard from again.

Though their breakup would be the ideal outcome, the scenario above is probably not the way you want to go about it. Humans seem to possess a primal instinct to immediately go on the defensive, balling up like roly-polies, when we hear criticism about our partners. We tend to internalize it as criticism of ourselves. The one thing you do have going for you is that you’re her brother, not her parent. A sibling’s input comes from a more neutral place—and therefore can carry more weight—than a finger-pointing mom or dad.

You have limited options here. The first is to drop the subtlety and go for the straight-up truth. Say it one time, and one time only: You think she deserves better. Point out the crap-tastic behaviors you’ve observed, and how hard it is for you, her concerned brother, to watch her with someone who treats her like bellybutton lint. (Not to get too psycho-babbly here, but if choosing subpar partners is a pattern for your sister, she might be struggling with self-esteem issues.) If she continues to insist she’s on Cloud 9 with the ass-clown, move on to Option No. 2: Remind yourself that your sister is ultimately responsible for her own happiness. Relationships of all kinds almost always involve some tongue-biting; this might be your time to chomp. You can also simply stop hanging out with them as a couple. She’s made the decision to be with the ass-clown, not you. Beyond big events like birthdays, I see no reason why you have to subject yourself to his buffoonery if being around them is excruciating.

Lastly, I’d suggest investing in a few brooms so you’re ready to help your sister pick up the pieces when it finally ends with the ass-clown. Which, sadly, will probably only happen after his behavior becomes so intolerable she’s forced to kick his sorry ass to the curb.

A while ago I went to visit my good friend, who lives with her boyfriend. I didn’t like him much from the start, but I was hoping since they’d moved across the country and moved in together, that maybe he’d changed. Wrong. He openly criticized her weight in front of me, told her he wished she had legs like mine and, overall, made really mean comments the entire time I was visiting. I couldn’t wait to leave. But before I did, I told my friend I thought he was treating her like garbage. We had to cut our conversation short because he came home right then. Since then, I’ve called her several times and left messages but heard nothing back. Is there anything else I can do? —Concerned Friend

Good grief! Does your friend have an addiction to S&M to be openly subjecting herself to such torture? Your friend’s reaction to your comments about her jerk-off boyfriend had he not walked in would have been most helpful in determining your next move. But since that didn’t happen, and she hasn’t returned any of your calls, I’d say she’s probably embarrassed about your calling him out. And since verbal abuse—make no mistake, that’s what this creep is doing—can lead to physical abuse, I’d leave her another message along the lines of, “I’m really concerned I haven’t heard from you. Please just let me know you’re OK.” When you do hear from her, reinforce your disgust of this guy. And start saving up for a flight to visit her again when, she finally comes to her senses, and hopefully—like the sister above—kicks his sorry ass to the curb. SP

After two years of highlighting her own romantic adventures, Blane Bachelor is now available to help you with yours. Send your questions to askabachelor@sundaypaper.com.